Monday, December 16, 2013

Just One Line

One single, pink line.

It started with an innocuous statement.  Just a flippant mention of a problem.  And a suggestion as to what might be causing that problem.

A suggestion that would, if true, change everything. 

One line vs. two lines.  A second pink line which is the difference between my world staying the same and everything changing. 

One single pink line.

I don't even know how to feel.  Happy?  Sad?  I just feel numb.  Like the promise of a whole new world has just been held out to me and pulled away by ever cruel fates.

But I am not ready, right?  isn't that my mantra?    Is anyone ever really ready?  Yesterday I would have wanted the answer to be "negative".  But that was before someone said to me "maybe you are pregnant".

Four words.  A life altering event.  Maybe you are pregnant.  Maybe your body is preparing to form a human life and bring it into this world.  A daughter.  A son.  My child.  David's child. 

Not ready?  Who is ever ready?  Maybe this is life's push to you.

One single pink line.

The difference between yes and no.  Between things going back to the way you claim you want them and life changing course forever. 

I look at the prophet.  Stare at it.  Wonder how long it takes to change.  Will it change?  Willing it to change.  What about the second time through?  How many times does it take to be sure? 

Then I cry.  Cry not in relief, as perhaps I would have yesterday.  But crying for what could have been. 

And now the tears are all gone and I'm numb.  Because that's all it was, just one single pink line.

Things can continue as they were.  Because after all, I'm not ready right?  I'm not ready to stop my fun and put my career on hold.  I'm not ready to raise a child.  Not ready to...just not fucking ready.

Except all of a sudden that feels like a lie on my lips.  Because I am ready.  And now I know I am.  Because the feeling of.....loss....that I am currently feeling tells me that I am ready. 

One single pink line.

The difference between nothing.  And everything.

And I hope this numbness goes away.

8 comments:

  1. That was very touching.

    -M

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. EDIT: oops :p

    Why, me of course :p

    Relatively new viewer, read through your entire blog here. One of the best I ever read, in terms of pure emotional strength and life expiriences, that you are still here and well despite the amount of stuff you've gone through in your life is an inspiration and testament to your strength. I am kinda happy that I knew from the beginning how certain things turned out in the end though.

    Thank you for sharing.

    -M

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sorry. *hugs* Hope it happens to you soon....

    ReplyDelete
  5. M - your profile is blocked. How can i learn about you then????

    ReplyDelete
  6. There isn't really much on said profile to see. Did I mention I'm new to this all?

    -M

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well call me catty because I'm curious by nature. email me.

    ReplyDelete