Friday, August 2, 2013

Darkness Falls??

" 'Cause here we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are


On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home
"
(Carry On - Fun)

Invincibility.

When do we stop feeling like that?  Is it the first time we find out there's no tooth fairy?  Does it happen later when we get into that first car accident?  First time someone we know gets cancer?

Youth happens and then it's over. Some of us are lucky to still feel invincible at age 25. 

Others have lost that at 14. 

***************************
Sometimes it sucks to be me.  Because for all the good, I have this habit of falling into periods of funk, or depression, that I call the Darkness.  Screw invincibility, at least let me feel the happiness.

But here I am.  Not even at the quarter century mark.  I have a husband whom I love and a great, happy life with him.  He has given me not only the gift of love, but, by extension,  the gift of a true family as well.  I have a great, exciting job which is both fulfilling and never boring.  (Well, almost never.)

And here I am, Friday morning and life is grand.  Our company closed a huge deal Tuesday and David and I were out of there like comets Wednesday and Thursday.  We spend a sun drenched day by the pool and a water logged day on a shopping spree.  I got a new bag from Furla, new flats from Tori Birch and a number of clothing articles from various other stores.  What makes a girl happier?  No, really, what????

What a transition process.  I still haven't gotten to that point yet where the Darkness, or at least it's evil brother Doubt, no longer creeps in.  That point where I don't have to worry that it's coming, even though none of the tell-tale signs exist.

I lost my innocence a long time ago.  I can never get it back.  And that loss, along with all the trash which stuck to me like dust to a broom, has created a hardness in me - a sense of being too jaded for my own good. 

Perhaps I will never truly ever be able to let go completely of that hardness.  Perhaps I'll never be able to say with a straight face that I no longer fear the Darkness.

Bad stuff leads to distrust.  I have trust issues.  Some people here, the one's who have reached out,  have observed them in me on different levels.  I don't think I can ever make them go away.  They hover around me, like the spirits of the dead, as though I am their gateway back to this world.  And that lack of trust is not only in people and their deeds.  it's in myself too.  And life.  And the rouge waves and sudden squalls that life invariably throws at you when you are expecting smooth sailing.

But my newer experiences have left me with a new belief too.  That despite it all:

On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home.


I no longer believe that I'm supposed to live a miserable and unhappy life. While I know miserable and unhappy things will happen, they happen to us all, I think that perhaps I am destined for an...ordinary life.  And that's a good thing.

Now all I need is that perfect winter coat for this season......



2 comments:

  1. Whilst this is a great post, it can also be used as a template post, with "invincible" filled with other words, making it a truly versatile post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ordinary is the new amazing.

    Beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete