Tuesday, June 25, 2013


Ed's Note:  If you suspect you might be one of the people this is being written for, you are probably right.  In all seriousness though, no offense met.  This isn't about you.

Who am I?  What am I about?

If you've read this journal, then you know. 

I have never pretended to be anything else.  Not a sweet girl.  Or a good girl.  I've never pulled punches.  I've never pulled the wool over anyone's eyes.

So why are you all so surprised when you see me?

Did you think I was making it up?  Did you think it was an act?  That I was really someone else that just longed to...well...longed to be?

Is that me?  Or is that you?

Are you so "shocked""weirdedout""repulsed" because of me?  Or is it because I'm a mirror to places in your soul that you like to pretend don't exist?

I'm not mad.  Let me stress that again.  I am not mad.  You have the right to be whoever you want to be.  I'm not interested in forcing you to be something you are not.  Or to explore the darker places of yourself.  Except to me they aren't darker places.

I'm not mad.  I'm frustrated, yes.  Because I keep climbing up a hill only to get pushed back down.  I'm annoyed - at myself.  Because now there's a sample size big enough to make me realize that it's me, not you. 

And yet still I fail to learn my lesson.

You aren't all cookie-cutter, not by a long shot.  But you were all still pressed from the same Frum mold

I can't fight thousands of years of guilt and fear and repression.  I don't even want to.  It's not my desire to change you.  I don't want the hatred that would follow when you decide that you need to change back.

It all sounded so good in theory right?  A little bit of something different.  It's just harder to pull the actual trigger, eh?

Who am I?  What am I about?

I'm upfront, that's what I am.  I'm honest about me, that's who I am.  You may disagree with my philosophies and my choices - I suspect many of you do (that's not counting the ones who have the guts to tell me so straight to my face)- but you can't deny me my right to have them.  No one can.  The same way I don't deny you yours. 

Just stop leading me on already.

Who am I? What am I about?

I am ME dammit.  Take me or leave me.  But I won't change.  And I'm telling you this upfront. 

Don't start down roads you aren't prepared to finish. 

And don't forget about the other person.  Don't forget about ME.  Because I have feelings too.  And I can be sad too.  And I can keep failing to learn my lesson too. 

But I'll also keep getting up, just the same.

Because I'm Me.  And Me is pretty bloody tough,

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