Monday, May 6, 2013

Whirlwind

What a week.

I spent a week in and around the Washington, DC area for work last week (well, almost a whole week - Monday-Thursday).  I viewed a lot of real estate, sat in on a few meetings and generally spent much time travelling around.

It also marked the first time David and i were apart since we were married.

For the most part, I think I help up pretty well.  Of course, I barely slept (no surprises there), but I managed to not go insane and I kept out of trouble. 

Go me.

How did David fare, you may wonder?

Actual phone conversation:

Me:  "So how has it been without me?  I've pretty much been sitting in this hotel room every night staring at the walls."

Him:  "Well, I've been working, of course.  Tonight I'm going over to _____ to watch the Ranger game.  Went to dinner with ___ and ____.  Last night iIwas at the Garden at the Knick game. Blah Blah Blah....etc. etc."

Me:  "Asshole."

*********


I often wonder about me.  My way of thinking.  It's not what you would call mainstream on certain...issues.  I wonder if i can make it as a "normal" married woman.  Trying to fit into ideals that, my whole life, were completely foreign to me.  Not that it's a defense, but I really don't hold from certain traditional values about tennis and things related thereto.

I often wonder if i can be faithful. 

There I said it.  Not because HE is lacking in any way.  Honestly, it's nothing to do with him.  And everything to do with me.  My way of thinking, my background.  My messed up head.  I wonder if I was even being fair when i said yes - was I dooming him to a life of misery riding the Cym Train?

Whirlwind. 

Not the traveling or the hotel rooms or the relentless looking at building after building.  It's me.  My head.  My turmoil - exacerbated by being apart from him. 

Is it a sure thing that I will fail? 

No - not by a long shot

I have set my boundaries - the lines I never plan on crossing - and I remain steadfast in my desire to stick with them.  (Would you agree with where my boundaries lay?  Maybe not-  probably not. But I do believe the lines are different for all of us.  Maybe wishful thinking, but MY thinking nonetheless.)  I do not want to fail.  I hope to remain strong.  I surround myself with him and my new friends and work and all the great things in my life.

But the whirlwind still remains in the background.

********

One more note of interest.  I spoke to Tova the other night when I was away.  It was...ok.  Ok as in not great.  But not terrible either.  We haven't spoken again since but it was a start.  We shall see.  I am still trying to process how I feel about it.

So that's quite a bit of stuff for one week eh?

In other words....

A whirlwind.

4 comments:

  1. So many stories, all wrapped into one ginormous post.

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  2. Many people who become unfaithful would never in their wildest dreams imagine that they would.

    But troublesome that that's the direction your thoughts are headed when you're practically a newlywed.

    Don't let these things become a self-fulfilling prophecy...

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  3. Honestly,I've had this concern FOREVER - way before David. Before marriage was even anything other than a dream.

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  4. i've been sort of bizarrely absent, but wanted to pop in and say that your honesty, as always, is REFRESHING. keep on keepin' on.

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