Thursday, April 18, 2013

Remaining Relevant

Dear Me:

I was wondering if you remember me. 

Do you remember what I used to be? 

Does it even matter?

I was thinking about you.  And me. 

Us. 

How it was in the old days.

Where has the time gone?

Forward. 

We've moved on.  We've moved on from pain.  And from healing.  And from recovery.

We have become.

Become a person of interest.

We have survived.

Nay, we have, dare i say........ thrived?

Remember what we were?  And look at what we are now.

Glowing.  Thriving.  Working.

Happy.

A person of interest.

Do you miss me at all?  Us.  The way it was?  The things we did? The fun we had? 

Do you miss getting high and having sex with random guys for random reason?

Do you miss waking up in strange places?

Haha.  Does it matter if you do?

But maybe you miss independence?  Being your own person.  Not being "tied down"?

I thought about it.

Still do.

Long and hard.

I admit, I miss it.  Sometimes.  A little. 

Very little.

Not enough.

Do you think I'm a good person?  I'm not sure.  I mean, for the most part, yeah, sure.  But not always.

I think.  I feel.  I act.  I do.  It's a consequence of being me.  Worse before, but not totally gone.

I will, forever, remain imperfect.  A series of good stuff and a slip up.  Two steps forward (three?) and one back.

A person of interest.

Do I even want to be good all the time?  Do you? 

What do you think?

Perhaps I'm ok with two (3?) forward and one back.  Perhaps it fits me, like a perfectly fitting pair of jeans.  They slide on, and are gone.  After all, do you remember one step forward and four back? 

I do.

I remember.  Everything. A blessing and a curse.  A lesson and a pain.

A person of interest.

Do you miss Tova?  I didn't.  For a long time.  Fuck her very much.

But now I do.  And it hurts.  Did I abandon her?  Did she abandon me?

Does it matter?

So there you have it.  Still clearer on the surface and murkier as you go down.  Nothing fixed and perfect as it should be.

Still fucked in the head.

But you know what?

Still a person of interest.








2 comments:

  1. Very much a person of interest :). You're doing great.
    And..I'm sorry about Tova.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are a person of interest... a letter form your past to present self?

    ReplyDelete