Thursday, October 11, 2012

What To Say When You Have Nothing To Say

I've stared at this blank page many times in the last few months.  I'll click it on and off.  Every so often (as opposed to two or three times a week) something is there.  More often than not....not so much.

So is this how blogs die?  Slowly and painfully, protracted and dragged out of the course of many months - outliving their usefulness in fits and starts like a car with 150,000 miles on its odometer might peter out.

Do I have nothing left to say?  Is my story done?  Of course not.  There is so much more to do.  A life to live.  Dreams to fulfill and more to make. 

But maybe I don't have as much to say here

My journal of the journey.  My record of things.  The balm of a wounded soul.  Perhaps, now, simply less wounded than before.  Maybe the need isn't there to same way it was last year.  Maybe I'm less angsty now, maybe my spirit no longer feels so damn alone anymore.

I have a family now, an in-law one yes, but one that has accepted me as one of their own nevertheless.  I continue to get closer with my dad and my soon to be married brother too.  I have a husband who I love and who loves me and I have the friendship of his little circle.  I am no longer the person I was.

And while those are all truly wonderful things which I am extremely happy for, they also make it impossible for me to blog in the same way.  And so often times I will open the blank page and soon after click it off.  Hell, I barely even look at other blogs anymore.  It feels as though this entire part of me is drying up and falling to dust around me.

Last year it felt as though I was posting two or three times a week.  The pain words flowed like water onto the page.  The almost magical stories, the heartfelt, tear chocked anecdotes of my life - "pictures of you, pictures of me".   They seem to have been part of a completed phase.  Phase I - Rebellion.  Phase II - Self Destruction.  Phase III - Recovery.  Done, all done. 

Phase IV - Get Busy LIVING.

Even the people I met talk to from this blog - well chat with - seem to be disappearing from around me.  They are too busy or have simply moved on to greener pastures.  One or two even find me to be overwhelming.  Sweet lil' ol' me.  Imagine that (Insert Smiley Face Smiling Rather Sweetly).

Well time moves on.  I don't hold grudges. If my friendship with Tova couldn't stand the test of forever, then perhaps nothing can.  As Red would say, "get busy living or get busy dying - that's goddam right". 

I'm about to embark on the next great journey in my life - gainful employment.  Yes, I found a job.  Doesn't matter where it is or how I got it.  Perhaps it isn't the way I wanted to start, but at least I'm starting. I am going to check off the box on my road map.  And even if the twists and turns are there, the road is still going in the right direction  (the path of the Beam if you ken).

Am I gone?  Not quite.  Am I getting on towards 150,000 miles on the odometer?  Looks like.  I'll still be around on G-chat and occasionally peeking in on some blogs - if and when I have what to say I'll say it.  I don't worry about readership or "hits" or the like.  I remain true to the only reader I ever wrote for - ME. 

Now it's time to get busy living.



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