Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Mixed Emotions as the Day Draws Near

Ring, oh ring, the wedding bells, my wedding day fast approaches.

I am excited.  I am thrilled.  I am looking forward to the day after the wedding with gobs of anticipation (in case you have not figured it out yet, I am actually dreading the actual wedding itself for a variety of reasons - but I am super-pumped for being married).  I very much want to be married to David and to spend my life with him - to figure it all out with him - to grow old with him.

But, there's always a but.

And this but's name is Tova. 

Tova, home from the hospital, not because they released her, but because she refuses to stay.

Tova, who has placed a strict gagging order on her family to not disclose whatever it is she is suffering from now.

Tova, who smiles at me and tells me I need to stop worrying about her, that nothing she can tell me about her condition is going to make me feel happy or better about it.

Tova, who tells me with an extremely annoyed look on her face that if she can put up with me for all these years, she certainly can beat cancer.

I am supposed to be happiest now. 

I finished school, I found the man of my dreams.  I joined his social circle, thereby expanding my list of close friends tenfold.  Things are so good.

But how can I be happy while she suffers through this?

The answer is, I can't truly be. And this just makes her frustrated and angry.  Which makes me feel even worse.  She's the sick one, the one fighting for her life.  And she's worried about me???

So here I am, riding a wave of mixed emotions - happiness, excitement, anticipation, fear, dread and anxiety.  I guess they do a nice job of balancing themselves out.

Otherwise - this is also a time of pretty intense loneliness, believe it or not.  David is frantically working to close two giant deals before the wedding and Tova is otherwise occupied (see above).  I'm in school some and home the rest of the time, pretending to do "wedding stuff" or packing, but pretty much sitting around staring at the walls.

I know it's a lot of stuff to process. I know it's temporary.  And I should have known that the feelings of intense happiness I've been having recently, at least for me, wouldn't be long term. There's always a wolf at the door

Out pops the cracker
Smacks you in the head
Knifes you in the neck
Kicks you in the teeth
Steel toe caps
Takes all your credit cards

Yea, so that's me.  How are y'all doing?


  1. I'll go with Irina here: *more hugs*

  2. i'm a bit appalled that i just found your blog, but b'hatzlacha with your chuppah - i know the feeling. truly, i do. and marriage is glorious!

  3. Ancient bonds are breaking,
    Moving on and changing sides.
    Dreaming of a new day,
    Cast aside the other way.
    Magic visions stirring,
    Kindled by and burning flames rise in her eyes

  4. Thnx Sparro and welcome Gelt - don't beat yourself up too badly :)