Monday, June 25, 2012

Every Single Day For The Last Time

As I close in on the BIG DAY(!!) I have to admit I'm feeling extremely nervous.

No, not second thoughts nervous.  Not at all.  I can't wait to be connected to David totally and finally.  Rather, I'm feeling some anxiety.  I worry about the wedding itself. I don't love being the center of attention and while I'm certainly far from wallflower - my life experiences with me as the center of attention have usually been BAD THINGS (meeting in the principal's office with my parents, me being gawked at and talked about by other kids, me making a drunken or high jackass out of myself at a party) so the idea of an entire 5 or 6 hour event centering around lil' ol' me is slightly nerve wracking.  [Not to mention all the ceremoniousness, pomp and circumstance I can live without.  All I want is to dance with my husband to music, alone on the dance floor, and this of course will probably not be happening due to the endless embarrassment it will cause my side of the family.]

And then there is the absolute...finality of what is happening.  My entire current life, for good or bad, is ending and a totally new one is starting.  I am no longer a single person living my single life but I am now the cornerstone of a family unit - first as a couple and eventually (hopefully) as a parent of children.

And that's why I've struggled so hard to pack up the small things which make up my life, to put the finishing touches on the final chapter of Book I of The Life and Times of Cymbaline.  because of the scary finality of it.  I know how strange that seems considering that it's all I've ever wanted - to finally be free of the bonds of repression and free to completely live as I choose (within the bounds and constraints of life/religion of course - no Hedonism for me).  Yet there it is - live and in color - for all of you to now see.  Poor Cymbaline, so excited, is scared shitless.

Every day is now the last day before.  The last Sunday as a single, the last Monday.  The last BBQ I'll ever attend as a non married person.  The last this and that.  Big things, small things.  Important and mundane.  My whole life is about to shift in a way that I have thought about (many, many times), but have never truly experienced. 

And on some level, to be honest, worried may never happen for me.

Don't pooh pooh me, hear me out.  I am damaged good in the Jewish community.  I am an Off the Derech, semi-back on the D.  But your past is your past. In the Jewish dating world, your resume is either a flashing beacon of light for all sailors to be attracted to or an albatross around your neck, dragging you into the depths.  My past, in case you haven't figured it out, is an albatross.  And despite that heavy bird, I never wanted to have to settle for someone because my pickings are slim.  Now that, I'm sure, is a feeling many of you have experienced.  Now multiply your albatross by five tons and you have mine.

Yet it happened for me.  A man I love, no settling required.  So I managed to jump that hurdle.  And now the BIG DAY(!!) is literally right around the corner - it's so close that I couldn't gain enough weight to screw up my dress fittings even if I wanted to.  It's so close that if I don't finish packing my shit up soon, I'll be wearing his clothes. 

And with that comes all of these events I don't want.  A Shabbos Kallah, a fancy wedding, a week of meals after.  All I want is him, without the pomp an circumstance.  (Of course, to get him I'll gladly suffer through the pomp and circumstance.)

So there you have it - all my innermost pre-wedding jitters revealed.  Nervous, excited, terrified and happy all wrapped up into Cymbaline.

Now excuse me while I try to pack and live each day for the last time before Book II.