Friday, May 18, 2012

Surreality

Did you ever feel the life you are living isn't your own?  Like somehow you feel into a dream, fantasy or nightmare and the events unfolding around you are those of a stranger which you happen to experience?

I used to feel that way often.  For long stretches, I used to live in a nightmare dream from which I could not awake.  I did things, experienced things, all of them happenings of another simply seen through my eyes.

Retrospectively, in therapy, I gave it a name -

Surreality - the feeling that the real life you are living feels like a dream or nightmare.

Surreality isn't always bad.  How do I know this?  Because I'm experiencing it right now.  Studying for my last tests, writing my last papers, watching a perfectly beautiful dress be destroyed in the name of tznious be made, preparing mentally, physically and emotionally for a new future together with David - all of it happening in a dream-like state.

Surreality.

If this really happening to me? Is this really my life? 

Over the long haul, I doubt anyone's life remains stagnant permanently.  I suffered a long series of lows, yet now I feel total reversal - I'm enjoying a string of highs.  So much so that it took me months to realize that the feelings I was feeling were those of happiness (a foreign word in my vocabulary up until that point).

Surreality

Here I am, finishing up a part of my life - a very important part - and it's all coming together.  A degree, a husband, a new life outside of my home.  In the City no less!  I'm so excited (and will be even more so when I unleash my taste on David's apartment and it magically transforms from bachelor pad to awesome couple's first home together).

Surreality.

Yesterday I took a break from the one day of studying I had done so far to go with Tova on a field trip.  We randomly selected Coney Island.  We drove down Surf Avenue, got cold beverages and walked on the end of the Boardwalk.  It was cool and breezy by the shore but it sure felt a whole lot like summer.

Surreality.

Except this is my real life.  It isn't a dream at all.  And the events unfolding?  They are mine too.

The best part?  For the first time ever, I'm not nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop.

3 comments:

  1. Happy to hear, especially the last sentence.

    Also, a wedding dress doesn't have to be butchered because it needs to be tzanua, as long as you have a good designer who'd build it up.

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  2. Ah, here's the lyric you want:
    Strangers passing in the street, by chance two separate glances meet, and I am you and what I see is me.

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  3. I know exactly what you mean. When I am happy, I am also so happy to be happy...


    Here's to reality being awesomer than sureality!

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