Monday, March 12, 2012

What a Difference A Year Makes

Once Upon a Time, a very, very good and caring therapist told a recovering wreck to keep a journal in the media of her choice in order to use as a tool for self-assessment.  The recovering wreck decided on a blog - her idea being that she'd write stuff down and it would be "out there" for the world to see - but since no one was really going to read it, it wasn't that big a deal. 

Of course, she turned out to be wrong about everything.

So somehow, I've managed to keep this journal for a year.  I didn't think, initially, I'd last a month.  So a year is pretty good.

And what a difference a year makes eh?

THEN - I was a completely non-observant Jew who didn't care a whit for Judaism.

NOW  - I am a semi-observant Jew trying to find a permanent place within Judaism.

THEN - My best friend was about to enter a really dark tunnel for the third time - a tunnel that even she didn't think she was coming out of.

NOW - She seems to have come out the other side, certainly worse for wear, but improving every single day.  And, for the first time in a while, there's actual hope.

THEN - I looked at all frum Jews the same - they were all a bunch of hypocritical assholes who didn't practice what they preached or, even worse, believed every single word of their insanity.

NOW - I see that frum Jews, like everyone else, are diverse and even good people.  Just kidding about the "even".

THEN - I had a shit relationship with my mother, and the relationship with my dad was on life support at best.

NOW - I still have a shit relationship with my mother (hey, this isn't a fairy tale) but my relationship with my dad has improved dramatically, as has my relationship with my older brother.

THEN - I was about to be single (again) and the only real relationship I'd ever had with a guy was the one I had with my aforementioned therapist.

NOW - I'm engaged to be married this summer to the most wonderful guy ever.

How much of that has to do with the journal?  Well not that much - BUT:

  It has helped provide a lens with which I have used to view the change.  I re-read alot much  of what I've written in the last year and I can see a change that has taken place.  Where I have been, dare I say, jaded? in the past, I feel much more of a sense of openness and optimism about things.  Even things I was so sure of in the past.  So the journal has served its purpose.

  I've been exposed to many Jews - I've read their own journals, I've spent time chatting with them - and I feel that has helped me gain a tremendous amount of perspective about observant Jews:

 - the ones who are strongly observant yet still struggle with their Judaism  - showing me that it's not one or the other - it can be both.

 - the ones who have shown me that not everyone who lives in the South is slow-witted (just kidding!!).

 - the ones whose writing has touched my soul.

 - the ones who have shared a similar journey to my own, who are still effected by it, but have managed to carve out places for themselves in the world despite of it.

 - the girls who share my love of all things Ice and Fire - and who made it ok for me to embrace my inner-geekness.

 - the ones who have tested my patience but in the end it was all good.

 - the ones who have provided me with outstanding ears to listen as well as wonderful advice - all without pushing too hard to break past the barriers I've set up to keep a level of anonymity.

 - the ones who let me be silly with them when I needed it, or listened to me bitch and whine when I needed it, who made me laugh when i needed it and who sagely told me I was being an idiot when that was called for too.

Yes, it's been quite a year.  I've struggled, I've fallen back, I climbed back up and to a large extent I've overcome.  It's actually been a great year.  And this journal has acted as a record of it for me.  Bless you Dr. Therapist.  Another feather in your cap vis a vis me.

So I don't know if blog anniversaries are a big deal or not, but I shall mark this one anyway.  A year in the life of a former recovering wreck  - now just a girl in the world. 

Who knows what the next year will bring?

6 comments:

  1. Slow witted!!!
    congrats cymbaline!! this definitely deserves to be celebrated! May this coming year bring you to bigger and better things!

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  2. Yashar Koach. To many more years of growth!

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  3. Happy blog anniversary! I can't wait to see where you are in another year.

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  4. oh boy i remember way back in the beginning.... not a great start. Happy to see you lasted a year! Good luck to you and many more great years, blogging or not.

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  5. Oh, man. I was totally going to thank you for not abusing the cute helpless alot, but then came the disrespect. Tut-tut, my dear. Tut-tut. Also, alot thanks for lack of abuse.

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