Friday, February 10, 2012

Control

Control.

Out of control.

"Being in control is the opposite of being out of control." (Some genius, 2012)

For many years I was  a bad kid.  I did bad things.  I made people disappointed.  I engaged in activities that labelled me "off the derech", "at risk" and "bad".  Let's not forget plain old bad.

In other words, I was out of control.

I righted the ship.  I got help and took control of my life.  That word again, control.  I fought VERY hard for it (there are no short cuts in turning your life around, chillun) and I got it.  I EARNED it.

Control.  Control over my life.  Over my friends.  Over my decisions.  Work hard, do well, make progress and move forward.

Now I need that control.  I need to know that the evil forces around me, that so effectively helped take that control from me to begin with, no longer wield control over me.  I need to decide when I go out, when i come home, where I go, how I get there.  How much money to spend on the credit card to punish them for hurting me to begin with.  I need to know that i have control over my life, at least with regard to thing inside my control (though if I had the power to make it 75 degrees and sunny every day, chillun, I would -  Though I guess I could also move to San Diego if it was that important, but I digress).

Out of control.

But now there are simply too many things in my life that are out of control.  Tova just got out of a long hospital visit (she was there since we got home, got out yesterday), which has been stressing me to no end.  There's this thing we are planning for this summer - my mother is trying to take control over the entire thing - that's her way - she doesn't even like me but she's running to take control of this because that's her way.  Tova and I call it the Way of the Monster.  (Of course, Tova and I refer to our two mothers as The Bitch and the Witch so....). 

The other side is stoked -  as this is the first thing on their side.  They want to be a part of the planning and seem genuinely excited to be a part of this process.  I see where this is going.  They will butt heads.  They will fight.

There will be is a loss of control.

This isn't me worrying about what could be.  This is reality.  Tova sees it.  David sees it.  He doesn't want to be too involved in planning the thing.  He says tell him where it is and he'll show up looking handsome.  He says someone needs to not hate my mother when this is all said and done.

Loss of control.  On egg shells.  That knot in my stomach all the time.  There's school.  There's Tova.  And there's this thing.  It's a constant feeling of being out of control.

Deep breaths in.  Deep breaths out.  In.  Out.  Get control.  Don't let them win.  Don't ruin what you have spent two years building.

I have done something I haven't done in quite a while.  I scheduled a visit to my therapist.  I need to talk to him.  I need to hear what he has to say.  I need him to tell me all is not lost.  I need to feel his hands all over me again (haha just kidding chillun, I just wanted to see if you guys were paying attention!!).

But what I need more than anything - is to feel like I haven't lost control - or to know this is simply something outside of my power to fix.  That I have no control over it because I cannot  control something outside of me.

But right now I'm spinning, spinning, spinning out of control.

And I don't like it one bit.

7 comments:

  1. We can't always be in control. Life isn't like that. I hope you get through this ok.

    (You're funny :). I'm paying attention.)

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  2. Therapist=heap good move. A very wise friend once told me that all life changes are stressful. Also, check out the Holmes and Rahe stress scale: the world of psychology endorses your stress. Yay, you! I'd suggest lots of hot chocolate. Wow, I give the best advice ever.

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  3. Therapist: great move. Hold tight. It won't be pretty, but in the end you'll win after all.

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  4. I agree with the chocolate advice. Chocolate truffles also help. Remember, the prize is your own married life. A wedding is a nice celebration, but ultimately what's important is what lies after. And that is indeed in your and David's control.

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  5. Hmm chocolate - seems counter-productive with fittings and crap no??

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  6. Chocolate is very good for you! ;) Especially dark chocolate... and also stress will burn it all off!

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  7. Hang in there...this too shall pass...

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