Friday, January 6, 2012

Into the Arms of Sleep

"Sleep will not come
to this tired body now
Peace will not come

to this lonely heart"

For as long as I can remember, I've been a terrible sleeper.  I thrash, I have nightmares, I wake in cold sweats.  I toss, I turn but I do not fall back asleep. 

I get chunks of time - three hours here.  Four there. 

A full night?  Fuggedaboudit.

And I won't take sleeping pills because I try to no longer take any drugs at all unless prescribed by a doctor (or say Advil on the box).
My therapist and I figured out the root cause of my inability to sleep.  No special medical issues like sleep apnea or whatever.  It's significantly more convoluted than that.  Simply put, however, years of sleeping in terribly adverse conditions have made me very uncomfortable when I sleep.

Adverse Conditions, you say?  What, exactly, are these so-called "adverse conditions"? 

Well, here's a list:   Adverse Conditions  = Sleeping in strange places.  With strange people.  Sleeping in places where you do not feel safe.  Sleeping in places where you did things which made you ashamed.  Sleeping with "one eye open" or, worse, both eyes open.  Not sleeping at all.

I do not feel safe when I sleep.  I do not know who or what is coming through the door. Years of instability have taken their toll on my ability to feel safe when I close my eyes.

The incredibly sad thing?  I suffer from these issues in my own house.  I have my own room, with lock on door.  I even have my own bathroom.  I am surrounded by my family.  I am in the place where I should feel as safe and secure as anywhere in the world.  Yet I cannot sleep. 

If ever there was a damning picture of my home life, to be this is it.

The incredibly happy thing?  The only places I get a full night sleep?  At David's apartment or at his parent's house.  If ever there was a picture of proof that he's The One, this has to be it.

So maybe one day I'll be in my own home, surrounded by my own family, and I'll sleep the 12 hour sleep of the untroubled ones.  Maybe then I'll know I hit the good life.
Until then I'll toss and turn and wake and shake and spend my nighttime hours learning the deep, dark secrets of my bedroom ceiling.
At least until I fall into the Arms of Sleep.

3 comments:

  1. Good for you for figuring it all out. Knowing is half the battle! (GI Joe!)

    May you be blessed with many nights of sleep with those whom you love, and then may you be blessed with many sleepless nights from a little tiny thing whom you will not believe how much you love. :)

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  2. i used to have crazy nightmares. at 19 i was still waking my dad to go check the bottom two floors for intruders. we've been married for 5 years and nightmares are gone...
    Best wishes for many safe, peaceful happy nights. and days!

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  3. And deep beneath the ground,
    The early morning sounds
    And I go down.
    Sleepy time, and I lie,
    With my love by my side,
    And she's breathing low

    ReplyDelete