Monday, January 16, 2012

In the Lost and Found

"I'm alone, but that's okay
I don't mind most of the time...


Don't......go...... home........
Stay with me,
hanging around in the lost and found"
(Elliot Smith - In the Lost and Found)

A little Intro:

So I've just discovered Elliot Smith - Indy rock god and hero who seemingly died of self inflicted wounds after a mercurial career path that includes some pretty awesome music.

Elliot Smith's music absolutely touches me.  He's an artist who seems to have been writing for lost souls like me. 

Perhaps because he was writing for lost souls like me.

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Some people have a(lot) large number of friends.  I don't.

I have a very small circle.  Then I have a good amount of close acquaintances/not close friends.  They are people I spend time with but am not intimately connected to.

I'm alone most of the time.  And I don't mind....most of the time. 

I don't believe that a person's self-worth can be measured by the number of so-called "friends" they keep.  I think, when it comes to relationships, quality definitely counts ahead of quantity.

So here I am.  I have a (newly minted) relationship with my older brother, a decent relationship with my father, a best friend and a boyfriend.  I do not have an "outer inner circle" after that.  After that, everyone falls into the "close acquaintances/not close friends" category.

And for the most part, this works for me very well.   For the most part.

Sometimes it would be nice to have more than one or two "go to" friends.  Sometimes it would be nice to have a mother who I can talk to.  Or an older sister.  What's so ironic is I have them, but they are worthless to me, as if we are separated by eight inch glass - I can see them but I can have no contact with them of any value.  My older (married) sister lives close my neighborhood, is at my house all the time, yet I cannot remember the last time we said two words to each other. 

And my inner circle?  Too many times Tova is unavailable.  She needs her time and space as well - her own issues to deal with.  And David has a full time job.  And my brother, however awesome he is, is limited as a "talk things out" partner.  And my dad is busy always.

So who does that leave me with?  Me.  Me and my thoughts.  Me and my troubles.  My fears.  My issues.

A therapist will tell you that having a support system is imperative to your mental health.  Sometimes I feel like my support system doesn't stretch as far as I need it to.

Yes, I've come a long way.  Yes, I'm not the same person I was, the same girl who needed your approval to strengthen her non-existent self-esteem.  Yes, with the massive aid of my own therapist I have found a well of inner-strength I never knew I had.  But sometimes it would be nice to finger-scroll down that smart-phone list of contacts and actually have people you want to talk to.

But that's life in the lost and found.  It's not perfect.  It has its moments, but it also has its disappointments.  I didn't have the high school and college years most people, or that Sem year, where everyone seems to come home with fifty-five new close friends.  I had the streets and a hoard of other broken people like me.

But in the end, it's better to end up here, hanging around in the lost and found, than to be lost forever.

2 comments:

  1. Eh, most of my current friends appeared in law school or later (basically when I was your age & up). Life is long; you'll find more new people. :)

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  2. That seems like smart advice - I guess at each stage of life it makes sense that you would find a new circle.

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