Wednesday, December 14, 2011

My Past Is A Ghost Which Haunts Me

Ed's Note:  Seriously primal scream below.  Feel free to stop reading now.

I'm depressed today.

I have finals coming up and a paper. I had a sore throat/cold which seems to have blown up into a chest thing. I feel isolated. No problems or anything. Everything's great with David and Tova's good.

But I still feel pretty alone. 

I wonder if my physical ailment is what's affecting my mood.  I wonder.  I wonder about a lot of things.  I wonder why I can't seem to find a regular stream of happiness.  I wonder why there's always something getting in the way - whether it be my own stupid brain or external forces.  I wonder if I'll ever be truly happy.

I wonder - I wonder what my punishment will be for all the sins I've done.  I wonder if this is my punishment - this endless barrage of suffering.  Maybe I've committed so many evils that there's no coming back.  I never forget that it was my decision to leave the faith.  No one made me do it.  And all the sins that followed were my doing.  I did them.  No one made me do them.

I have lived a sinful life according to my faith.  I have disrespected my parents.  I have committed countless sexual violations.  I have caused other people to sin.  I have aided and abetted wanton acts.  I have drank and drugged for my pleasure.  I have denied the existence of God and I have cursed him.  I have told people he has a big ego for making people pray to him so often.  I have made jokes at his expense.

The list is endless. Literally.  Years and years, countless sins.  So many that I couldn't even begin to list them if I ever would even want to.

Let it go.  That's what they say.  You weren't in your right mind then.  You are better now.  It's all behind you. 

But is it really that easy?  Can you really just let it all go?  Is it enough that I feel bad?  Do I have to set things right?  Can I even set things right? 

I don't blame other people for my troubles.  I was young and I was alone.  And people took advantage of me.  And it would be easy to make it all their fault.  But it was my fault.  I did all those things.  No one made me (usually - maybe sometimes they made me). 

[Yes, I know my therapist would be extremely upset to see the previous paragraph.  And I know I shouldn't think that way.  But...]

Sometimes I look back and it makes me cry.  Literally.  I cry for that girl.  But also out of frustration.  I can never adequately express in words what my life was like.  I feel helpless trying to explain to you all what I went through.  This here is just words.  And words are wind.  It all sounds so faint and unreal.  I wonder how many of you would "follow" me here if you could watch videos of what I was like.  How I behaved.  What I did.  I wonder how many of you have the stomach for it (besides the few of you with similar experiences).

Don't worry, dear reader.  This, too shall pass.  It always passes.  That's good.  The problem is, it also keeps coming back.  I cannot ever truly rid myself of my past.  It lives inside a cage within my heart and mind and that cage cannot truly contain it.  To some extent it's good to never forget.  I learn from those mistakes.  And I have been good about not repeating most of them. 

My past is a ghost which haunts me.  He rattles his chains while I try to sleep.  He scares me when I'm awake.  He dogs my steps and harries me at every turn.  I try to exorcise him with therapy and goodness and living right.  And sometimes it works.  But other times it doesn't.

I'm depressed and haunted and tired.  And my chest hurts from coughing.  And the thought of another bought with pneumonia scares me even more than the ghost of my past does.

So, um, how are you doing?

5 comments:

  1. I find doing good things and seeing them as atonement (kaparah) for bad things I've done (or good things I haven't when I should have) helps. Maybe that would work for you too?

    But otherwise, don't let the past drag you down - instead use present to deflect/rectify the past.

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  2. What COJ said! Also - get well soon!

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  3. It sounds like you're almost describing a viduy process - you just happen to still be working your way through it (though you're largely there already).

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  4. As someone who has been there--the ghost fades. It really does. Soon it will be so weak and faint you can barely see it at all. Don't condemn your feelings or cast blame...just allow yourself to feel it, the bad, the good, the in-between, without judging it. You sound like you are halfway out of the dark.

    And tea! Tea is the answer to all things throat related!

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