Friday, December 9, 2011

Dilemma

I throw this one out to the general audience:

As anyone who reads me regularly knows, this blog was started as an online journal.  And while it's obviously not a secret diary (as everyone here reads it), it IS secret in the sense that people who are in my "real world" have no idea of its existence.  Therefore, I am able to write about all of these very personal things with limited worry but it continues to serve the original purpose of being an outlet.

So here's the dilemma.

Clearly David and I are getting very serious.  I'd like to think that we will be engaged within the next few months and married in a year or year and a half (totally my made up timeline, we have never discussed timing at all).  And now I'm wondering:

Can i keep this blog a secret from him.

A little disclaimer.  Prof wrote a post a month or so ago about a friend of his who is doing really well in business.  The friend is very serious about a girl.  They are dating and will probably marry.  Friend refuses to tell the girl he's financially well off, because he's concerned that she will only marry him for the money.  And in fact, friend doesn't even want to tell girl about the money AFTER they are married because he's afraid that she will always rely on that and not want to work or be careful about spending.

I commented on the post how ridiculous that sounded to me.  That honestly is a huge part of a relationship and how can you START a relationship where one of the pillars of it is a lie.  I felt, and still feel, very strongly about this.

NOW.  I will argue, vehemently, that Prof's blog situation is completely different than my own.  I am not lying or withholding information about myself.  David knows everything about me.  BUT, I do treat this as a forum to think out ideas about him specifically.  And I cannot do that if he knows about this blog. [As an example, early in the blog i discussed my relationship with Lil' Sis.  That was a huge mistake in retrospect and now I never talk about her here anymore.  In fact, had i to do it all over again, I'd never have told her about this blog - sorry Lil' Sis, nothing personal :)]

And so we get to David:

a)  I DO NOT want him knowing about this blog.  Real reasons or imagined ones, I do not want him reading about these thought processes.  Rest assured, most of them I will discuss with him, but there are some thoughts I'd prefer not to share.

b)  This is my OUTLET.  My personal one.  I feel like if I have to tell him about it, I've lost it.

So, here's the deal.  In the end, if i decide he needs to know, I'd rather scrap the blog.  At this point, I feel it's a secret I can keep, but that could just be because I WANT that to be the answer.

So I'm looking for some help here people.  What do you guys all think?  Am i being crazy?  Can I eat my cake and have it too?

Help!!

6 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Scrap the blog... I think it'd be awkward to say that you have a blog but don't want him to read it and it would be bad to keep it a secret.

    The blog's not worth it, in my opinion. Though how you'll survive without my keen insights and razor sharp wit...

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  3. I just don't see how a blog open to the public is personal. If you had a private notebook under your mattress, I can understand that that is personal.

    But you are blogging to the world at large. STRANGERS see it. That makes it no longer personal, even if it is anonymous.

    I have found that having cake and eating it too is rare.

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  4. OK. What is this blog? Well, it started because your therapist told you to keep a journal. Thus, this blog is inherently a deeply personal piece: it is your diary, an extension of your therapy. No significant other (in a healthy relationship) expects to know everything their partner discusses in therapy. Thus, as an extension of therapy, a diary/journal of this sort would fall under the same category of absolute privacy, just like 50 minutes with a therapist.

    But this is different. Sorry, Cym, but it is. You don't keep the contents of this journal between you and your therapist. You've allowed your journal "outside the walls of this room," if you would. No, we don't know you by the same name that David does. No, we don't know what you look like, as David does. But the fact remains that this blog is here for anyone to read. Anyone, that is, except the people who know your real name and face, the people that you care about as real people as opposed to caring about as characters in a book.

    (Complete aside: not that characters in a book are fake. I've cried honest tears and felt honest joy for characters in books, movies, plays... People will shout at screens, "Don't go in there! He's behind the curtain with a knife!" wishing that the character they care for can hear them. And we have this amazing relationship that we are characters to each other, and yet we can hear each other and reach across the fourth wall and touch each others' lives. But we still keep that fourth wall firmly in place, protecting ourselves as we pass across bits of our souls. There: I've been wanting to hash that out for a while. End of aside.)

    Actually, that aside was useful: you mentioned handing David the pieces of your soul the other night. You place the pieces of your soul here, as well. How can you not tell David that other people have pieces of your soul? Even if those pieces are protected by the Fourth Wall? So what if we don't know your name, or the shape of your face? You share with us your soul. And that is significant.

    The sharing rather than hiding of your soul is what makes this inherently different from a paper journal.

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  5. I would just add that if you asked David not to read the blog and didn't tell him the details, if he understands you well, I don't think he would mind much. We all need our private space, no matter what it is and what form it takes.

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