Monday, November 21, 2011

Dream Sequence

So I went to the wedding of one of David's closest friends.  I wore a nice green dress and black heels and I daresay looked nice and pretty.

During the chupah (are all Jewish ceremonies so painfully LONG??) I found myself daydreaming.  Thinking about the big what if? 

Actually, I can say with some confidence I was dreaming of the big WHEN. 

They say every girl dreams of her wedding day when they are little kids.  They dress their dolls and make pretend weddings.  They sit in class and dream of the boy they are going to marry.  The prepare for it for an entire year in seminaries in Israel (I jest,  I jest).  Every little girl.

Except me.

I never dreamed of getting married when I was younger.  Not because I didn't want to get married or because I'm against marriage.  Hells no.

I just didn't ever really see myself finding Mr. Right and being happy.

You have to believe in happiness to think you can ever find happiness.  I spent most of my developmental years (say 10-18) thinking that I wasn't ever going to be happy.  First I felt stifled by my religion.  Then by my family.  Then I fell in with the sort of people you wouldn't really want to spend the rest of your life with anyway.  Then there was a long period of time when I thought who on EARTH would want to marry the damaged goods that are me?

When you are young and embittered and your heart is harder than steel, you don't spend much time fantasizing about white dresses and veils and dancing the night away with your life's love.  Instead you jam yourself into really tight pants and tops and dance the night away with whoever is buying that night.

So yeah, let's say I don't have a long history of dreaming about the big day.

But you know what?  It's nice to be able to dream about it.  It's nice for me personally for these reasons:

a)  It means I have reached a point where I can dream about being happy, that the last two-ish years that I've worked so hard to become a functioning person in society have started to pay off.  I can dream about being happy because I believe in happiness for myself again.  That is no small thing.

b)  It means there's someone to dream about.  I'm talking about you Davey-boy.  When I dream of being married, it's you I dream about.  I dream of walking down a velvety aisle - while you wait for me under a canopy of flowers - and taking your hand while all the customary rituals which will bind us together are performed.  I dream of dancing with the people who are really happy for me, the people who are pretending to be happy for me and even the people who have openly rooted for my failure.  I'll dance with them all and be happy about it too.

So no, I'll never dress up my dolls and have mock weddings with fur and plastic.  I'll never be able to have adolescent fantasies of the "first night" without having any real idea about what it means.  I can't retroactively go back in time and make myself a person who thinks all these things can be a reality.

But that's ok.  Because even now, as I sit through a boring lecture on European history, I am thinking about it.  I'm thinking back to last night's wedding, to dancing with David's friend's new wife - and the way she happily pulled me into her little circle and danced with me with joy on her face - and I'm letting my own imagination flow like a stream.

And I think today is a good day to dream.