Monday, October 24, 2011

Thoughts on a Milestone - AKA Happy Hundred - CORRECTION MADE

I can still remember the Evil Thoughts in my head:

"Hey Cymbaline, we hear you started a blog," they say, barely suppressing their giggles.

Me, playing it cool.  "Yup, that's right."

"What's it about?" snigger snigger.

"It's kinda like an online journal, to help me with my thoughts and feelings."  Feeling the sweat break out on my temple.

Derisive laughter now.  "Who the hell would want to read THAT?"

"No one, I suspect."  Nothing like brutal honesty.

"How many posts have you written so far?"  Snigger snigger snigger.

"Uh, 2." 

Howls of laughter.

Then Evil Thoughts all took bets on how many posts I'd write before I gave up.  The consensus was between 10 and 20. 

I laid my own bet on 12.

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Well here we are, dear reader. 

At post 100.

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Write a journal, my therapist suggested.  A journal to pen your thoughts and feelings.  Record them and then look at them from time to time to get a grasp, a snapshot, of what you were thinking in a moment in time.  These pictures will be windows to your soul, he said.

I chose a blog.  Why?  Perhaps because it's a journal, but one with the possibility of an outsider looking in on those self-same thoughts and emotions.  That keeps you honest.  Keeps you from being lazy.  Did I think anyone would actually read them?  No.  (I still find it hard to believe people do.)  Did it matter?  No.  This blog was back then, and still is today, about me and for me.  You all are an added bonus (more on you later, dear reader).

I try to read the earlier posts.  It's very painful.  Not that I am shy about my past or because it embarrass me.  But rather because the process of laying yourself open for the world to see is painful.  No two ways about it.  I was a disaster - a twenty-car pileup - and I wrote every detail out for the rubberneckers to see.

My past.  My rebellion.  My rock bottom.  All live and in Technicolor.  With THX surround sound. 

But he was right.  My therapist, I mean.  (He usually is).  A truthful journal is a window to your soul.  To your psyche.  It is like building a mountain of yourself, climbing that mountain and then getting a panoramic view of all the things that got you to where you are (as well as the road to where you are going).  Of every rock you had to climb over (or through) to get to the peak.

I'm building myself back up from the ground.  From the gutter.  Piece by piece.  Link by link.  Step by step.  Stone by stone (you choose your own metaphor). 

Proof, you say?  Ok how about this:

Look at me at post number 2 - I'm in school (doing well), I'm partly aimless, the boy I love doesn't seem to see me as anything other than a friend and I may want to go to law school.  I have no affiliation with religion, though I do strongly identify with being a Jew.  Oh, and while my head is on, it's not quite on straight.

Fast forward eight months - I'm in school (doing well), I have a job and I have the man of my dreams.  I know what I want to do with myself and it's not law school.  I'm still not observant in any way, but I'm no longer opposed to orthodoxy (and no, dear cynical reader, it's not just because it's easier for David and me if I am).  And while my head still may not be on straight, at least it's more tightly screwed on.

(And yes, I am intentionally ignoring the fact that my "tennis" drought has lasted approximately as long as my blog has.)

Is that all because of this blog?  Of course not.  But I have learned so much from this process.  From the writing. 

From you.

You, dear reader.  You were the piece I didn't anticipate but now treasure.  Your comments.  Your emails.  Your g-chats.  All of it.

Those who treat me like their daughter, their friend, their Blogger acquaintance.  My sometimes therapists and secret keepers.  My occasional debate partners and sometimes flirtologists.  The ones who took time to send me carefully crafted, 20,000 word essays on the pros and cons of law school.  And the weirdo's among you who even ask me for advice (at your own risk!!!).  You all know what role(s) you fill (and if you don't, just ask).

If this blog is any good (and that's a big IF) it's because of you.  Because I know you are watching.  Because I don't want to let you down.  Because your ideas inspire me.  Your criticisms make me better.  Your ideas and your comments all give the blog a flavor that it would not otherwise have.

But that's just a blog.  Words on paper (or, in this case cyberspace).  And that's all nice and helpful to me.  But it's only part of the story.

It's you, dear reader.

I am better for having spoken to so many of you.  The advice you have given, the humor you've shared.  The sanity you have bestowed.  I won't name you.  This isn't an Oscar speech.  But you know who you are.  (And if you have a doubt if you are on this list, then you probably are.) 

You have all become a part of my life (as corny as it sounds). 

And true, maybe not quite "real" life.  Maybe we don't have coffee (mmm coffee) or hang out in restaurants chewing the fat - but that doesn't mean my life has been any less positively effected by you all.

 I need to keep a seperation.  If anyone ever connected me to this blog, I'd be forced to shut it down.  To delete it.  To disappear and never return.  And I'd be sad if that were to happen.

So yes, I keep walls up.  Most of you don't know my real name - where I live.  But it's not personal, it's a choice I make because I'd hate to have to lose all of you.

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So here we are, dear reader.  We made it to post 100!  Evil Thoughts left town in a huff and I'm out the ten bucks I laid down on 12 posts.  But I think I'm better off for it.

Will I get to 200?  I strongly doubt it.  I'm not sure I have that much more to say.  And I'm hoping that my story gets very boring (and she graduated college, got a job, David proposed and they lived happily ever after with their 2.6 kids, their minivan and a well maintained Tudor-style home with a white picket fence).

But I hope you stick around with me to see.

11 comments:

  1. Congratulations! I can't wait to see who you are at post 200. You're doing great...I'm so proud.

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  2. well written my dear!
    Im so glad to have gotten to know you...i hope that your life continues to be intrestingly boring..if that makes any sense..:P
    be blessed sweets

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  3. Awww - Did you figure out which categories u fit??

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  4. Agree with what everyone is saying... There are plenty of interesting HAPPY things to write about... and I look forward to reading them! :)

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  5. You've got a great talent for writing. Keep it up. Just because it was prompted by not so happy things in the beginning doesn't mean that it should be abolished once it's all good (not like it can be "all good" ;-) )

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  6. Towards the end, I thought you were writing a 'goodbye I'm dying letter'.

    But you know what I think.

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  7. Ditto on COJ's comment. This blog is good for many reasons, but one of the main reasons is that you are an Excellent Writer.
    When you run out of posts on "interesting" topics, I formally request that you write a post about a "boring" one. That post might no longer qualify as therapy, but I'll lay you pretty good odds that it will good.

    BTW, what do you want to do with yourself? (re: I know what I want to do with myself and it's not law school.

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  8. Altie - last I checked I was still alive and kicking - you are stuck with me babe :)

    Malka - Thanks - flattery will get you everywhere.

    Email me and i will fill you in on the answer to your Q.

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