Thursday, September 8, 2011

On the Brink of Happy Exhaustion

"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
No,no,no.

I'm so tired I don't know what to do
I'm so tired my mind is set on you
I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do

You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
for a little peace of mind
"

(John Lennon)

Hurricane Cymbaline is a Category 5.  Schools started, part time job starts next week, I have a full social life and a best friend on the mend.  Things are, as they say, busy but good.

So what's the problem?

The problem, my dear friends, is I don't sleep.  It's not nerves.  It's not even anxiety.  I just don't sleep.

My therapist has argued that alot of my lack of sleeping is due to the fact that for so long I was forced to "sleep" in places where I was too afraid to close my eyes.  Or was sleeping with people I didn't like.  Or in strange places where i never got comfortable.  Which is why i only really sleep when I'm just too exhausted not to or I'm very comfortable in my surroundings (like I do sleep better when I'm at David's parents house).  I think that's partly true. 

But there's another issue.  My brain.  it simply never stops.  I'm always thinking...over thinking...about something.  I'm not even talking about bad things.  Just everything.

This has led to some wonderful comments in the past.

Tova:  "I can't believe that a mind that works that hard produces so little."

David:  "I don;t get it.  You are up all night thinking??  That's what you do every second of every DAY!"

My friend Daniella (who came with my on the upstate vaca and shared a room with me (and took the now infamous waterfall bikini picture of me that appears to have accidentally spread past its intended recipient):  "Oh my god Cymbaline - you were thrashing around so much last night I thought a raccoon got in the window."

As you can see, my overactive brain is a constant source of amusement to my so-called "loved ones".  But it aint no joke to me.

My general pattern - have trouble falling asleep, finally falling asleep, sleeping poorly, waking up, staring at the ceiling or out the window and hoping I get back to sleep before my stupid alarm rings.  Sounds awesome no?

Melatonin?  Been there done that.  Sleeping pills?  Absolutely not.  I do not take pills (besides Advil) unless there is no other choice (too many bad memories).  Maybe I'll pretend it's the '50's and try warm milk.

So yeah, I'm tired alot.  On the brink of exhaustion even.  But right now, it's a happy exhaustion.  Things are good.  I'm not complaining.  The good news is that I'm so used to it, it barely effects my day to day.

But damn, what I'd do for a nice twelve hour deep sleep....

6 comments:

  1. Same here :) thats why we have time to blog...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Prof - I'm club pres

    Yedid - Not sure that's a deal I'd actively make.....

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  3. Yes - Hilarious - let's all have a good laugh at my expense!!!

    ReplyDelete