Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Littlest of Little Things

Inspired by Am Inspiration:

Bloggers have their style.  Some spout nonesense.  Some are about as eloquent as the great scribners. Some are funny.  Some...less so.  Some are all over the place, from Torah thoughts to movies to their stupid loser fantasy football leagues (just kidding Ezzie).

Many look to find lessons.  They see inspiration in small things - they tie it back to God, to religion.  They manage to enrich their lives by mining the day to day into golden nuggets.

So I was chatting with Am about it this morning.  She wrote a really nice post and we were discussing it.  I mentioned to her that she, like others, manages to find sparks of religion or God in their moments of time.

My reply - I don't get inspired BY the little things - I live in awe of the little things.

Huh?

Let me explain the difference. 

To me, living a "normal" life is one of the greatest accomplishments I've managed for myself in my time on this planet.   

Small, normal things. 

A life.  No red carpets, glamour magazine shoots, late night parties.  A simple, day-to-day accomplishment.  Where I'm coming from, this is EVERYTHING.

Waking up in a strange place.  Fuck that, not even sleeping to begin with.  Lying next to strangers.  Coming down off highs, drunks.  Associating with people you abhor so that you have a place.  Giving yourself away in exchange for a false sense of belonging.  Trying to come to grips with the fact that the people who are supposed to love you the most would erase you from the world if they could do it without committing murder.

That was my world for my entire adolescence.  I've seen people like me end up dead or worse than dead.  The living dead.  Or messed up with so many issues that they are incapable of living a normal life.

But how am I ending up?  Perhaps "normal" is a bit of a stretch?  Ok, I will concede that. 

But look at me kids.  I'm living a "normal life.  Waking up in my bed, going to buy coffee (yes I'm a coffee snob - screw you if you don't like it), going to school, doing well enough at a job that they asked me back - for pay (!!!). Keeping a boyfriend and a sick best friend in line.

Is it perfect?  Hells no.  I still have trouble sleeping.  I still haven't found my place in Judaism.  But I'm working at it.  I'm working hard.  And isn't that what being normal is?  Struggling and striving and trying to do better?

Elul, Spetember, whatever the month.  I cannot speak for anyone else.  I try to live the same way ALL YEAR LONG.  I try to improve myself EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I don't wait for occassions.  I don't "do teshuva" or "make New year's resolutions". 

Hmmm, maybe not so normal after-all.

8 comments:

  1. You are doing great. And you know, it is _you_ who's living a "normal" life, not the people who eat Chalav Yisrael between Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur and think they're better off because of that.

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  2. I agree with Critically Observant Jew.

    What you're doing is much healthier and brings more benefit than designating a certain 'time' for improving. Life is supposed to be a constant journey of improvement but many people lose sight of that. I know I do... Sometimes it's hard to improve, to go for what you believe in. For some people, they get strength from knowing that there is a set time to do that. But you're stronger than most people, and that's admirable.

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  3. I certainly don't FEEL stronger than anyone else.....

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  4. That's natural. But when I read your posts, I see strength. When I read anyone's writing, I am forced to look inside myself and see how I approach situations and how it might be similar to or different from that person. For you, you're just doing what you have to do. You don't realize that other people can see that as strength.

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  5. everybody has there past, i think that for most people who are either past what you lived through or will never live through that, they need a reminder in that time of year to reflect on whats going on in their life, who they are, g-d...
    For me, it creeps me out, because i hate to see the people who dont dwell on it during the year suddenly start caring, acting deep...

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  6. Ink - I guess so...

    Yedid - Though the counter-argument is that's what this time of year is FOR - even if u sucked all year, you still have a chance.

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