Monday, August 1, 2011

Storm Tossed Friendships

Show me two "best" friend who never fight and I'll show you two people who aren't truly best friends.

Tova and I have had some real blowouts over the years.  We've fought about boys (of course), clothes, and about nothing at all.  We've yelled and screamed and made really biting comments (sorry guys, never had a cat fight with her). 

But the one thing we've never done is stayed mad at each other.

The old record was maybe 2 days.  Then one calls the other, makes a really mean spirited joke, and everything back to normal.

So when a week and a half ago she bitched me out for spending too much time with David, I let it slide for a day and then called her to make a mean spirited joke and move on.

But a funny thing happened.  She didn't take the call.  Or the next half dozen.  And when we did finally talk again, it ended up in another fight. 

Since then it's been rocky.  She doesn't pick up when i call and she doesn't return my texts.  She has been invisible on G-chat too (though I have a sneaking suspicion she's actually just making herself invisible so she doesn't have to talk to me).

But then a funny thing happened.  I spoke to her sister on Friday.  Tova's back in the hospital.  She has been for a week. 


So  went to visit her yesterday.  It was really uncomfortable.  She was bitchy and angry and when her brother walked in she told me it was better if I just went and spent time with David.  Hurt and pissed, I said fine and left.

When realization dawns on me, it's like the sun coming out.  Everything lights up.  And it dawned on me yesterday.  Tova is pushing me away because she thinks shes going to die and she doesn't want me to be hurt.  Tova has always been my rock, so to speak.  She's always been the strong one.  The one who had to be there for me when i was going through my stuff.  She's gone through so much, but she always managed to just brush it off - her past battles with the cancer, the loss of the one SHE loved, family issues that would make most people sick.  But it was always "nah, that's nothing Cym, don't worry I'm only here for you."

Scoff - go ahead.  I don't care.  I know I'm right.  I know her and I know how different it's been this time.

And so I was up all night last night.  Running it through my head.  As I do.  How serious it must be.  How much she hasn't been telling me.  I know she's been getting transfusions pretty much every week, but it must be much worse even if she's in the hospital.  And why else would she be treating me like crap in the bathtub?

And so I dragged myself out of bed and to work extremal early.  And sat here writing this post all depressed.  But funny coincidence - someone else was on early this morning too.  And someone else had some really good advice for me.  TALK to her.  Don't let things go unsaid.  Don't set yourself up for regrets.

She's right.  I haven't thought about Tova's sickness, because the truth is I cannot handle the idea that she might die.  I cannot even fathom the concept of losing my best friend.  But no matter how much I don't want to deal with the possibility, I can't pretend it ISN'T a possibility. 

And that's why tonight, after work, i will detour to the hospital. I am going to tell her I love her.  And that I am there for her.  And that I'm strong enough to take whatever comes.

And then I'll batten down the hatches and wait for the hurricane.