Wednesday, August 10, 2011

"At Peace"?

People throw that expression around.  "I'm at peace with X".  What they mean is, they've accepted that X is going to happen and there's nothing they can do about it.

So am I at peace with Tova?  No.  Am I at peace with her decision (supported by her family) that I am no longer welcome to come to the hospital?  No.  But I accept it all the same.

I'm pretty sure Tova is now beyond anyone's help.  Outside of some sort of miracle, she doesn't have much longer for this world.  She's in pain.  Her body is betraying her.

It's her decision.  She doesn't want everyone's lasting images of her to be in agony on her deathbed.  So her friends are no longer allowed to be at her side.  Instead, when she's up for it, we chat on the phone or online.

So the last time I saw her was Sunday.  She looked fine.  Now it's Wednesday and it's a whole different world it seems.

A lifelong friendship.  The problem is, sometimes the lifetime isn't long enough. 

"Some days are better than other", she emailed me yesterday afternoon, after I jokingly asked if the reason she wasn't on was because of her fasting (she's observant).  "Hopefully tomorrow will be better than today." 

Honestly, I'm not sure she expects to live another week.  I've written a goodbye email to her, but I cannot bring myself to send it.  It makes everything so...final.  And she'll probably just make fun of me anyway.

I've said my peace to her.  More than once (which is probably why she doesn't want me around anymore).   There's nothing more to say than I love you.  I'm certainly not going to burden her with how hard it's going to be after she's gone.

So do I comprehend?  Yes.  Do I accept?  What other choice is there? 

Am I at peace? 

No.

2 comments:

  1. Heartbreaking...
    It's hard to even read this. I can't begin to imagine what this must feel like. (hug)

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  2. *hugs* Not much to say, except that you're a really good friend and Tova knows this. I'm sure, that despite her physical discomfort and other issues, your presence in her life is making a huge difference.

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