Sunday, July 24, 2011

Untitled Post Number 66

The day was as wonderful as any poolside BBQ could be, like something out of Gossip Girl.  There were really cool people and all the food you could possibly want.  There were ice buckets with chilled bottles of Corona and a bowl full of nothing but wedges of lime.  There was laughter and merriment for literally hours on end. She met so many really awesome people, connected with so many people from his life.

She also met Talkative Bitch.  Talkative Bitch (TB) went out with him a few years ago.  It lasted a few months and probably was never particularly serious.  TB gave her a serious once over, crinkled her nose and then "Wow, aren't you really pretty. How old are you? Twenty?  Really?  Wow, aren't you so young." (Fake smile)  "I'm surprised he's dating someone so young." And on it went for a another deeply uncomfortable minute before she drained half her Corona and then made some disjointed excuse and booked out of TB's claw hooks.

To her credit, she didn't let it ruin her good time.  Well, at least until the car ride home.

He drove her, well out of his way, back to her town.  As was their custom, he pulled over a few blocks from her house, on a quiet street where houses were a good distance apart.  Away from any street lights, there were completely alone.

He unclipped his seat belt and turned towards her.  "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," she replied, not quite meeting his gaze.

"Oh don't you give me nothing," he says.  And then he smiles.  And she's transported back to the first time she met him and the first time she saw the smile that lit her heart up like a Roman candle.

She sighs, weighing in that moment how much something she should give him.  In truth, there are a number of somethings on her mind, which have been on her mind.  "Ok.  Look, I'm not insecure or anything.  But I do let things weigh negatively on my mind..."

"In other words, you're insecure," he says and then he laughs.  And his laugh is like the sound of waves gently breaking on flat sand. 

"Asshole," she replies but she's smiling in spite of herself.  Only her smile is gone as quickly as it appears.  "It's just."  She lets out a breath.  Giving herself to another emotionally is not something she has much practice with.  In fact, she's in completely uncharted territory now.  She might as well be on the moon for all the orientation she has.   Then she plunges in.  She looks down at her hands fidgeting in her lap and the words are pouring out in a rush.  "It's just that I like you.  I like you alot.  And that fucking TB.  She's right.  I know I'm young for you and I know there's .......like a million reasons why this whole thing can just blow up.  And I feel like I'm finally getting to a point where I might be happy but I'm worried that it's just a mirage.  That it can't last because you are going to realize that I'm too young or too this or too that."  (Even in her state, she is careful enough not to bring up the religion thing.  The religion thing will hold for another time.)

And then she looks up at him.  And she sees the smile on his face.  That self-same smile.  It's not pity or sadness.  She knows him well enough to know genuine when she sees it. 

"Two points," he says.  Even in the semi darkness of a glowing dashboard she can see his eyes crinkle at the corners.  "Number one.  If you worry so much it's possible your head will explode."  He makes the sound of an explosion.  "And you look much better with a head on your shoulders.  And point two."  Now it's his turn to take a breath.  "Recently, you are all about the future.  About your education, about learning real estate.  About having a career and a family.  All about the future.  And I get it, I really do.  I know how tough these last years have been for you.  And I know how important it is to 'show them all'.  You and I have talked about this many times."  Now his eyes are boring into hers.  "But you know what Cym?  No one knows that the future holds.  Not you or me or anyone else.  No one knows what will be.  You spend all your energy worrying about things you cannot control."

And then he reaches out and takes her hand in his.  "I know I can't change you.  No one can change a person.  But I'd like to ask you to do something for me.  I want you to try and enjoy the present.  With me.  Live in the moment.  Enjoy the here and now."

"It's not so easy to just..."

"Blah blah blah.  I never said it was easy.  I imagine it's not easy worrying all the time now is it?"

Again, she's smiling in spite of herself.  Damn him, she's thinking.  "Touche."

"Yup, touche."  And they both laugh. 

After, it's quiet and it's just the two of them holding hands.  "I'll try," she promises.  And she means it.  She will try.  And she knows she will have to fight her nature to do it.  But she'd do anything for him and this certainly fits into that definition.

A few minutes later he puts the car in drive and takes her home,  She stares at his receding taillights until they are gone from view, around the bend.  She swears to herself that she will try, that her words were not an empty promise to either him or her. 

And then she puts her key in the door and lets herself in the door.

7 comments:

  1. Sounds like a great guy. How much older is he that it's a topic of conversation?

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  2. He's about 4 years older than me. I think her point had more to do with how young I am, not the spread between us.

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  3. Not sure why I'm commenting when an email is long overdue. So for the public, I'll leave it that all I want to tell you is I'm always thinking of u :) sounds like you got yourself a great guy. Hope you have clarity & everything works out between you two. And talking from experience, thinking too much CAN indeed cause your head to explode:P

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  4. Hmmmm - and who might you be, LFL? Sounds like you know me? Matybe an email IS overdue...

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  5. You write beautifully. 4 years is really no big difference, im 21 and i only like to date guys older than 25 :) and you being young is relative. It sounds like you have a great guy here, enjoy him!!
    and ps: you'll find that the promise maid to him will actually help you tons in being happy, it worked for me

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