Thursday, June 16, 2011

Time

"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

 
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

 
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
And shorter of breath and one day closer to death


Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone the song is over, thought I'd something more to say
"

(Mason/Wright/Waters/Gilmour)

Read the lyrics - I assume no one ever reads the lyrics to my posts.  But read these.  They actually mean something.  To almost everyone.  First time I've ever posted the whole song.

To call this the most terrifying song I've ever heard is an understatement.  Off of the classic Dark Side of the Moon album, this is one of those Pink Floyd songs you have for sure heard on the radio but never gave too much thought about.

I, of course, think about it all the time. 

To me, this song is one of life's dirty little secrets - we spend our youth wasting the hours in an offhand way, waiting to get older so we can be "adults" and, therefore, real people, and then the next thing we know we are "lost in a haze of alcohol soft middle age" (though probably without the alcohol for most people - note: those lyrics are from a different song). Then you "run and run to catch up with the sun". 

Every time I hear this song, I break out in sweats. 

And yes, I'm sure everyone older than me reading this is shaking their heads and laughing - "this 'little pisher' is worrying about lost time?  What about me?  I am X years old, I hate my [job/life/family/lack of family] and I'm way too old to try again. Sshe has her whole life in front of her.  Dumb bitch."

But that's just the thing.  I've already wasted a good deal of my life.  You all can look back at your childhood memories and be like "those were good times".  Me?  Shit I don't have too many chilhood memories.  At least happy ones.  And other parts of my childhood are a blur - either narcotically induced or intentionally blotted out of my head because they are too painful to think about.  I don't have fond memories of sleepaway camp, or that summer working at a beach club or family trips (well, there were family trips, but I just don't have particularly fond memories of them).

And I worry constanrtly about my future too.  What if i choose grad school then decide it was a mistake?  That's two or three wasted years.  Maybe I'm better off trying to find a job out of school and getting some work experience.  Except there ARE no fucking jobs now and there might not be for many years.  And don't you need an advanced degree to even GET a good job these days? 

After I came out of my multi-year mission of self destruction, I set very clear goals for myself.  They included no such small things as (i) finding a place in this world for myself, (ii) establishing a career, (iii) finding a man to love, (iv) raising a family and (v) being happy.  You know, simple stuff.  And in the past couple I've accomplished...not of it!  I have no idea where I fit in the world, in Judaism, anywhere.  I am seriously doubting my decision to take the LSATS and go to law school, the man I love likes me as a friend, at this point I'm decades away from a family and, though I hate to say it, I'm not particularly happy (though I can fake it a lot better these days).

And on top of it all, I'm feeling paralyzed.  It's not just being sick and room ridden.  It's much more than that.  It's about the second half of the last paragraph.  It's about for all the fact that I'm pushing so hard to go forward, I'm running on a treadmill.  I'm not making any progress.  And it's incredibly frustrating, to say the least. 

YES, I recognize that emotionally and psychologically, not to mention physically, I'm in a much better place.  I'm drug free, alcohol free (for the most part), my head's on straight (usually) and I am determined (almost always).  But all that and a buck 25 gets me a diet soda at a machine.  It's not HELPING me move forward.  I'm pretty much in the same place I was in when I first decided on my life goals.

Where's the progress?  Where's the ability to look in the mirror and say "look what I've accomplished"?  Because the cold, hard reality is there is no progress.  I haven't accomplished anything.  It's like when you decide to refurnish your house and give yourself a year to do it and after the year is over all you have done so far is thrown out all the old shit and looked through a Pottery Barn cataloge.  (And please don't comment that you can't bring the new stuff in till the old stuff is out.  I KNOW that, but it has taken WAY too long.)

Every year is getting shorter.  And I am starting to feel more desperate.  There are so many things i want out of life, things I feel people should be entitled to.  Some happy memories.  A partner.  A family.  A career.  Maybe I simply want too much.  Maybe I should just be happy I'm not slutting around anymore and I'm safe.  Who knows.

All I do know is the time is up, the post is over, thought I'd somethng more to say.

16 comments:

  1. What makes you think it's taking you too long? By whose standards? You're not event twenty one yet... Do you really expect all of the goals to happen all at once?

    Everything takes time. Getting into grad school takes time. (Whatever happens, you'll gain valuable skills from getting into law school... so it won't be a complete waste of time anyway).

    Finding the right person takes time. You haven't had an open conversation with David, and yet you're presuming how he feels about you. You're not a mind-reader. Talk to him first. Take it one step at a time. But in any case, any relationship takes time to unravel. You just have to have patience, and it'll work out eventually. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd take the LSAT anyway just so you have the option open in case you decide to go to law school.

    I went through your older posts a little while ago (bored at work). Was your downward slide the result of not fitting in with your family's level of religiosity?

    Also, when you talk about the sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll, are we talking about Courtney Love level exploits, or typical (non-frum) high schooler from, say, Milwaukee...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Irina - ur the most positive perosn i've come across in blogland!

    E - have I mentioned how much love you?

    Law School - you are probably right - totally my plan

    2. My slide was a resulty of many factors - a) my familys religious level, b) the failure of my schools to provide me with answers other thahn shut up and belive, c) my own inability to handle a and b and thus to react with rebellion, d) my feelings of being unable to fit in, caused by the fact that i was different and most of the other girls were afraid to associate with me, e) my hatred of my mother stemming from her utter disapproval of me since i was old enugh to have a personality she didnt like, f) absentee father (work related), g) need for acceptance which came from guys h) the eed to feel numb which substance abuse gave me. i could probably go on but you im sure get the idea

    3. LOL - somewhere in between. Closer to courtney tho. At least for a while.

    ReplyDelete
  4. >E - have I mentioned how much love you?

    I was going to say "I think we should just be friends", but given your recent romantic travails... :)

    I not really qualified to give advice, but from where I'm sitting, I'll make the following observations...

    You got a bunch of issues that are all coming at you at the same time - the best thing to do is to prioritize them. Divide and conquer.

    If your primary goal is to find a guy then it seems that going to law school is secondary - cause if you're in a good law school you're probably going to get your butt kicked - especially in 1-L. I'm not saying that you can't meet a guy while you're studying, but...

    Another thing is finding a group of people that you're compatible with... Which may mean moving out from your area - cause if you're basically non-frum with a "past" in a frum community, the only people you're probably compatible with are either other "rebels" or "fakers" like the guy who was shtupping you but wouldn't marry you...

    I'd not worry about your "past" unless you're planning to stay in a fairly frum community. Frankly, nothing I've read here is scandalous enough by mainstream metrics that it would somehow "brand" you...

    ReplyDelete
  5. I guess i would argue a partner and a family would be eventually more important to me than a career - certainly long term....

    I know i cant stay where i am forever - i'm doing it now because its the smartest thing for me while im in school.

    and what u have read here is far from "everything"

    ReplyDelete
  6. "Time" is definitely a touching song. Especially "and the sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older..."

    reminds me of Dave Matthews "Dancing Nancies":

    "Twenty three and so tired of life
    Such a shame to throw it all away
    The images grow darker still
    Could I have been anyone other than me? Then I"

    I remember listening to it when I was 23. Then 24. Then 25. Then 26.... The meaning doesn't change :-(

    ReplyDelete
  7. But I guess you do achieve things you hadn't before with time. And while sun may be the same, you're not. Things do "happen." I.e. career, family, etc. Yes, there would be effort and stress, but it does happen.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Cymbaline!
    Get a grip you not too old, in fact we are never too old to make a difference.
    Start now!
    How?
    Think for a minute, whats really important? A book you read? what you ate? the stuff you yakked about? nah.
    starting today- now
    1 make an effort to smile at someone you dont want to.
    2 say some tehillim for somebody who needs it.
    3 do a secret chesed.

    Don't tell anybody, don't brag or share, just do it.
    It'll make ya feel like a million bucks.

    Do God's work, maybe if you do it seriously enough God will reciprocate.

    ReplyDelete
  9. thinking about what E wrote... you might find a good community in Boston... there are many frum communities there but there's a large loose collection of MO-ish people there who like the music you do aren't hung up on how people dress joke about drugs talk about sex are of every political persuasion and ask heretical questions... they attend Young Israel and another Orthodox shul and BU Hillel and Harvard Hillel... singles couples older and younger families... look at Brighton Brookline Cambridge... take the LSATS and if you decide to apply to law school think about Boston where there are not only elite but also regular law schools... or maybe go to Israel where you can be Jewish but as religious or not religious as you want... work on a kibbutz or volunteer for the army and just find yourself... once you finish your undergraduate work and move away and out of your toxic home you'll start to feel accomplished...

    if you feel you have wasted time accept that and make time count starting now... you have a list of realistic goals so you are already ahead... you might have wasted a good deal of your life at this point but as you note you are young and have your whole life ahead of you... as time goes on that wasted portion will be a smaller percentage and will feel even less if if the most recent years feel unwasted... not having happy childhood memories or a good foundation is upsetting but maybe you didn't waste all that time if it is what was needed given the circumstances to shape the good qualities and understanding of yourself you have now...

    you don't know what david thinks... he might be just as scared to talk to you about this... what if he is right now is thinking he loves you but you only think of him as a friend...

    ReplyDelete
  10. COJ - agreed

    Noam - Dude, tehillim? those are words to me. And i'm still waiting for a favor or 2 from god.

    Anon - gotta chew on all those words....

    ReplyDelete
  11. argh....i feel you - totally in that headspace now, and i'm married with two kids...it's something that not all people feel, but the ones who do seem to feel it in any and every stage of life - i think it must be a personality thing, some people just look at everything to the extreme degree, analyzing the past and anxious about the future...as much as i would love to tell you that there's a cure for stinkin thinkin short of a brain transplant, i haven't found one yet. if you get any suggestions other than tehillim and giving to others, let me know.

    ReplyDelete
  12. What, you mean tehillim and giving aren't enough??????

    ReplyDelete
  13. For some, tehilim and giving is all that's needed to keep them happy and content. For others, myself included, they just don't cut it.

    Maybe it's being happy with one's lot that I should work on - maybe it means that I should worry less about the future being a function of my past decisions and actions, and leave it up to this moment to create the future.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Rather bitter comfort, but it worked for me when I most needed it:

    T. T. T.

    Put up in a place
    where it's easy to see
    the cryptic admonishment
    T. T. T.

    When you feel how depressingly
    slowly you climb,
    it's well to remember that
    Things Take Time.

    -Piet Hein
    http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t227/mbromber/ttt.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  15. great song, great post. thanks for the inspiration

    ReplyDelete
  16. That song shook me up. Sad but true.

    ReplyDelete