Thursday, June 23, 2011

Light Follows The Darkness (with a cruel twist)

"Insert your own song lyrics here"

So I'm back.  The fog has lifted (at least in my head, clearly not outside).  I no longer feel the panic dread's hand gripping my heart and squeezing until there is nothing other than blackness, misery and self doubt. 

As quickly as it descended upon me this week, it's gone.

And now I see light again. 

The good things about these bouts with darkness is that I spend a lot of time thinking.  And over thinking.  And picking apart each and every single one of my problems.  Why is that good?  Because, occasionally, there is resolution. 

Some issues have no resolution.  Unless my mother decides to take a 10 year trip to Kalamazoo, she will still be in my life  - nothing I can do about that. 

But there ARE some things I can control.  I know some of you have been closely monitoring what we can call The David Situation.  Well, the situation basically came out of my fear of doing anything about it.  Well, that is going to change.  Maybe as early as today.  Details to follow.

Now for the cruel twist:  Tuesday night I had to get out.  I had been lying in bed for 2 days in a bout of depression, barely rising to eat or...well to do anything.  I did a little chatting online - well more like woe is me-ing, but otherwise....nothing.  So I got in my car and I drove.  No destination in mind.  I ended up on a major highway going north, just thinking about nothing, seeing nothing but the headlights of the cars coming from the other direction.

Usually, the drives like this are the first step in my "recovery from darkness".  The problem was - it's summer.  So I had the air on and cranked.  In my face.  and i was breathing it in for a few hours.  And my cough, which was starting to fade into the background, came back with a vengeance.  When I asked my doctor about it the next day he basically said "Duh" and "Cymbaline, you are an idiot".

I'll write more later. For now I want to bask in the light.

PS.  Everyone go read Chana's latest and greatest (There is a link on the right).  I'm sure she wasn't, but she could have been writing to me directly.  So I will thank her for her for the unintended assist.

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