Thursday, June 30, 2011

OK I Lied...

I do indeed have somethnig to post.

I called my intern guy and, with almost tears in my eyes, asked whether that position was still open...

...and....

guess what?


IT IS.

Suddenly...

I can't seem...

to find.....

anything....


to write about.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Coming Down Off the Ultimate High

I'm very much in the clouds these last few days.  I can't really concentrate on anything, nor do I care all that much.  It's partially my "David High" and partly the fact that I need to start re-adjusting to the world again after being sick for so long.

I invited a friend over Sunday and we sat by the pool for hours.    It's been a while since I've felt well enough to sit out.  Oh and I also went out with David late afternoon.  Good times.

Yesterday I cleaned up my room, opened my windows, and let a month of sickness out.  I drove around and did errands, simple things, just trying to get back into normal routine.

I've started to eat regularly and I've even gained a little weight.  Doc says if I feel up to it I can even start exercising again in a week.  Can't wait.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Love Scene (Version 6)

So what if it's cloudy, gray and raining - today is the most beautiful day!  Been a long time coming no?

So details.  You know you want em.  And I know you want em cause you've requested them.  So here they are (and for the record no, I don't remember every line of our conversation but what I write here is pretty damn close to word for word and no, after re-reading this, this post doesn't even come close to doing justice to last night - I'm not nearly a good enough writer to re-create that magic):

We met midtown, a few blocks form his office, at a coffee shop.  I got there early and cleared the best, most secluded table in the place by doing what I do best - having coughing fits every 45 seconds.  There's nothing like the angry glances of annoyed New Yorkers.  Don't worry guys, I smiled sweetly at them, I'm not contagious.  David walked in a few minutes late, wearing gray dress pants and a white shirt with blue stripes and 2 days worth of stubble - sigh, professional and perfect.  We both ordered (me the 75 ounce latte and he ordered regular coffee, milk sugar) and sipped.

We made small talk for a few minutes while I filled him in on what's been going on with me the last several weeks (remember, I've been strenuously avoiding him since the Great Florida Fiasco).  I told him all the stuff going through my head - being sick, possibly losing the internship, losing too much weight (which is where he cut in with "Oh my god yea, you HAVE lost a lot of weight.  You look like a strung out crack whore" and then giggled into his coffee while I gave him a VERY disapproving stare).

I guess I was mad nervous  because he asked me if being sick made me very weak.  When I asked why he said it was because my hands were shaking a lot and he was wondering if it was connected to my pneumonia. 

"I'm just nervous," I said.

He laughs.  "Why would you be nervous?  If this place frightens you so much, we could have gone to Starbucks."  Everyone's a comedian.

"It's not the place.  It's you."

He gives me surprised.  "Me?  Since when do I make you nervous?"

The first tears of the night spring out of my eyes.  and then the words are spilling out right behind them.  And I'm paraphrasing here but I spewed out something to the effect of - "Since I realized that I like you more than a friend.  Much more.  Since I never got any sign back from you that you liked me the same way - liked me at all more than a friend.  And since when we were in your hotel room and I kinda asked you and you said we were just friends and I was scared to push you anymore because, David, you know I love you and I rely on you so much I'd much rather have you in my life as a friend than scare you away by telling you this so if ......"

So his face went from surprised to really surprised when I started this tirade.  Then it softened. Which I, of course, read as pity.  Pity for poor Cymbaline who deluded herself into hoping against hope that this wonderfully great guy could ever like her more than a friend.  Thus the rambling at the end.  i was trying to back my way out of the corner.  But he finally cut me off.  Mercifully.

"Cym, stop" he says with a smile on his face.  And I do.  I really have nothing more to say.  I told him my deepest feelings and I really didn't have anything to add.

"It's ok, " I said.  "It's ok if you don't feel the same way about me.  I totally get it and..."

"Cym, STOP".  And he's got this really big smile on his face, which is suddenly very annoying because why is he smiling when I'm baring my tortured soul to him.

"What are you grinning at?" I pout.

"You.  Why are you such a lunatic?  Why didin't you just talk to me?"

I look down into my frothy white beverage.  "Because I'm scared you don't like me the same way."

He sighs.  Now he's looking down into his significantly less frothy beverage.  "Truthfully Cym, I have thought about it.  About how I feel about you.  And the truth is, I like you too.  A lot.  But you wanna know something funny?  I never really thought someone like you would be interested in me.  When I think about it, I always see you with some brilliant guy, a real go-getter and someone more....I dunno buttoned up than me.  Also I know how you feel about orthodoxy and while I'm not the most religious guy in the world...." he trails off.

Well I don't have to tell you kids, this has thrown me for quite a loop.  I mean here I am, waiting for the man of my dreams to reject me, but he seems to be telling me that he ISN'T rejecting me.  I really, really, really want to get my hopes up at this point of the conversation but...

"So let me be clear about this," I say, "we both like, like each other but we assumed the other person wouldn't like them back?"  He shrugs.  What I love about men is how expressive they are.

"David, you are a total retard.  How could I ever even FIND a guy better than you?  You are smart, you make me laugh even when you are being mean (I am thinking specifically about the strung out crack whore reference as I write this), you are kind and caring.  I don't care if you are religious.  I assumed you wouldn't ever go for me because I'm NOT religious."

Well this back and forth went on for a while longer.  Like three more hours.  We finished coffee and I drove us up to his place.  We had a light dinner (pasta and a salad - the man had greens in his fridge, I think he's a keeper!!) and we talked and talked.  Finally I had a monster coughing fit and he offered to drive me home.  I told him I was totally fine.  in fact i was pretty sure i could float home.  he said he didn't mind - he cold get a train back.  I said no way, cause he had work the next day and there was now way I would do that to him. 

I don't remember driving home.  But I can tell you there was a big ass grin on my face. 

And I can tell you I slept last night better than I have in a loooong time. 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Fabulous 50!!! Aka Fuck Yea, Bitches

Here's some breaking news for my, apparently, 50th post:

FUCK YEA, BITCHES!!!!!!!

Life, for once, is good.  I'm good.  I'm so happy.  I can't ever really remember being as happy as I am now.  I'm home, in my room and I'm crying tears of joy.  In between coughing fits anyway. 

David loves me and my life is good.

Cymbaline (the song, not me)

"The path you tread is narrow
And the drop is sheer and very high
The ravens all are watching
From a vantage point nearby


Apprehension creeping
Like a tube train up your spine
Will the tightrope reach the end
Will the final couplet rhyme

And it's high time Cymbaline
It's high time Cymbaline
Please wake me
"


Email to:  David
From: Cymbaline
Subject:  Meet up

D.  After 6 months of hibernation, I'm ready to spread my wings and leave the homestead.  Any chance we can meet up this afternoon?  It would be awesomest if you could sneak out of work cause I don't wanna be out too late tonight (especially if i drive in instead of train-ing).  What ya think?

Email To: Cymbaline
From: David
I'd love to meet u kid.  What time do u think u will be here?  It's slow here anyway.  U want to get an early dinner somewhere midtown?

So there is is kids.  I have a date.  One way or the other, with destiny.  Either way, Dave Gilmour is right - it's high time, Cymbaline.  You can't wait forever.  Sometimes you just have to go for it and hope that you reach the other side.  This evening I am going to tell David how i feel about him.  And tonight I'll either be the happiest girl in the world or suicidal (my method, if you really want to know, is to cough myself to death).

Many of you told me this is the way, so here goes. 

Wish me luck.  God knows I need it your wishes, my luck usually sucks.

Light Follows The Darkness (with a cruel twist)

"Insert your own song lyrics here"

So I'm back.  The fog has lifted (at least in my head, clearly not outside).  I no longer feel the panic dread's hand gripping my heart and squeezing until there is nothing other than blackness, misery and self doubt. 

As quickly as it descended upon me this week, it's gone.

And now I see light again. 

The good things about these bouts with darkness is that I spend a lot of time thinking.  And over thinking.  And picking apart each and every single one of my problems.  Why is that good?  Because, occasionally, there is resolution. 

Some issues have no resolution.  Unless my mother decides to take a 10 year trip to Kalamazoo, she will still be in my life  - nothing I can do about that. 

But there ARE some things I can control.  I know some of you have been closely monitoring what we can call The David Situation.  Well, the situation basically came out of my fear of doing anything about it.  Well, that is going to change.  Maybe as early as today.  Details to follow.

Now for the cruel twist:  Tuesday night I had to get out.  I had been lying in bed for 2 days in a bout of depression, barely rising to eat or...well to do anything.  I did a little chatting online - well more like woe is me-ing, but otherwise....nothing.  So I got in my car and I drove.  No destination in mind.  I ended up on a major highway going north, just thinking about nothing, seeing nothing but the headlights of the cars coming from the other direction.

Usually, the drives like this are the first step in my "recovery from darkness".  The problem was - it's summer.  So I had the air on and cranked.  In my face.  and i was breathing it in for a few hours.  And my cough, which was starting to fade into the background, came back with a vengeance.  When I asked my doctor about it the next day he basically said "Duh" and "Cymbaline, you are an idiot".

I'll write more later. For now I want to bask in the light.

PS.  Everyone go read Chana's latest and greatest (There is a link on the right).  I'm sure she wasn't, but she could have been writing to me directly.  So I will thank her for her for the unintended assist.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Dark Side of the Moon

"All that is now.

And all that is gone.

All that's to come.

And everything under the sun

is in tune

And the sun is ecliped by the moon."




 I pretend I'm as normal as everyone else.  Usually I can even fake it enough to fool you all.

But sometimes, for little or even no reason, I can feel the darkness closing in.  The demonds come calling.

It's not a chemical imbalance, thank god.  It's just a mood thing witha side order of hormonal goodness throen in for good measure. 

But the darkness comes just the same.  And when it does there's nothnig for it.

I feel the darkness closing in.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Time

"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

 
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

 
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
And shorter of breath and one day closer to death


Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone the song is over, thought I'd something more to say
"

(Mason/Wright/Waters/Gilmour)

Read the lyrics - I assume no one ever reads the lyrics to my posts.  But read these.  They actually mean something.  To almost everyone.  First time I've ever posted the whole song.

To call this the most terrifying song I've ever heard is an understatement.  Off of the classic Dark Side of the Moon album, this is one of those Pink Floyd songs you have for sure heard on the radio but never gave too much thought about.

I, of course, think about it all the time. 

To me, this song is one of life's dirty little secrets - we spend our youth wasting the hours in an offhand way, waiting to get older so we can be "adults" and, therefore, real people, and then the next thing we know we are "lost in a haze of alcohol soft middle age" (though probably without the alcohol for most people - note: those lyrics are from a different song). Then you "run and run to catch up with the sun". 

Every time I hear this song, I break out in sweats. 

And yes, I'm sure everyone older than me reading this is shaking their heads and laughing - "this 'little pisher' is worrying about lost time?  What about me?  I am X years old, I hate my [job/life/family/lack of family] and I'm way too old to try again. Sshe has her whole life in front of her.  Dumb bitch."

But that's just the thing.  I've already wasted a good deal of my life.  You all can look back at your childhood memories and be like "those were good times".  Me?  Shit I don't have too many chilhood memories.  At least happy ones.  And other parts of my childhood are a blur - either narcotically induced or intentionally blotted out of my head because they are too painful to think about.  I don't have fond memories of sleepaway camp, or that summer working at a beach club or family trips (well, there were family trips, but I just don't have particularly fond memories of them).

And I worry constanrtly about my future too.  What if i choose grad school then decide it was a mistake?  That's two or three wasted years.  Maybe I'm better off trying to find a job out of school and getting some work experience.  Except there ARE no fucking jobs now and there might not be for many years.  And don't you need an advanced degree to even GET a good job these days? 

After I came out of my multi-year mission of self destruction, I set very clear goals for myself.  They included no such small things as (i) finding a place in this world for myself, (ii) establishing a career, (iii) finding a man to love, (iv) raising a family and (v) being happy.  You know, simple stuff.  And in the past couple I've accomplished...not of it!  I have no idea where I fit in the world, in Judaism, anywhere.  I am seriously doubting my decision to take the LSATS and go to law school, the man I love likes me as a friend, at this point I'm decades away from a family and, though I hate to say it, I'm not particularly happy (though I can fake it a lot better these days).

And on top of it all, I'm feeling paralyzed.  It's not just being sick and room ridden.  It's much more than that.  It's about the second half of the last paragraph.  It's about for all the fact that I'm pushing so hard to go forward, I'm running on a treadmill.  I'm not making any progress.  And it's incredibly frustrating, to say the least. 

YES, I recognize that emotionally and psychologically, not to mention physically, I'm in a much better place.  I'm drug free, alcohol free (for the most part), my head's on straight (usually) and I am determined (almost always).  But all that and a buck 25 gets me a diet soda at a machine.  It's not HELPING me move forward.  I'm pretty much in the same place I was in when I first decided on my life goals.

Where's the progress?  Where's the ability to look in the mirror and say "look what I've accomplished"?  Because the cold, hard reality is there is no progress.  I haven't accomplished anything.  It's like when you decide to refurnish your house and give yourself a year to do it and after the year is over all you have done so far is thrown out all the old shit and looked through a Pottery Barn cataloge.  (And please don't comment that you can't bring the new stuff in till the old stuff is out.  I KNOW that, but it has taken WAY too long.)

Every year is getting shorter.  And I am starting to feel more desperate.  There are so many things i want out of life, things I feel people should be entitled to.  Some happy memories.  A partner.  A family.  A career.  Maybe I simply want too much.  Maybe I should just be happy I'm not slutting around anymore and I'm safe.  Who knows.

All I do know is the time is up, the post is over, thought I'd somethng more to say.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wouldn't It Be Nice

These are the things I'd Like to Think:

 - That I'm less vulnerable than I really am.

 - That I can handle actual adversity as well as I do in my head.

 - That the next 10 years are going to be easier than the previous decade.

 - That the life I think I want for myself is, indeed, the life I really do want for myself.

 - That despite Tova's recent setback, she is going to live to see August.

 - That David loves me but he just doesn't know it yet.

 - That I'm actually doing something for little sis (and, by extension, her mother) - or at least was before I got sick.

 - That I'm not making any major mistakes now.

 - That I'm not completely hemmed in, despite the fact that I feel more sewn up every day.

 - That people are, essentially, good.

 - That the lightheaded spells are a result of the weight loss and nothing more serious.

 - That I'll be back at the gym in two or three weeks.

 - That the Internet strangers I've met really do care.

 - That I haven't forgotten how to drive since my home imprisonment.

 - That law school is a good idea.

 - No matter how uncomfortable, living at home is truly my best choice for me right now.

 - That I can trust myself.

 - That the fact that I have been crying a lot just proves I'm not emotionally crippled.

 - That there will be a time I won't have to lean on my therapist and still be sane.

 - That I AM sane.

 - That one day i will be fulfilled and happy.
 - That I am emotionally capable of having kids and raising a family.

 - That despite the damage I did to myself, I WILL be able to have healthy babies.

 - That I can find a place for myself in Judaism.

 - That I'm not completely fucking up and too fucking stupid to fucking realize it.

Waxing Poetic About The Boob Tube

Yea yea, I don't wanna hear it. I like TV.  Sue me.  There's always the option of NOT reading....if you dare!

So every great TV show has that moment, that transcendent point in time when it goes from being a good show to being a great one.  Lost had season three and the introduction of Ben Linus. (As an aside, when Lost was on, no matter how fucked up i was, i was always able to be in front of a TV for that little gem.  Up until the last season, it is a top-three show for me - every single week they did something that dropped you in your tracks.  Up until the end when the realized there was no way to tie it up, went back to an idea they swore wasn't the ending, and made that the ending - literally cheating millions of people out of closure.  But I'm not bitter.) Justified went from good to great in Season 2 and the introduction of Mags Bennett.  Battlestar Galactica (the greatest gift one of my ex-boyfriends ever gave me) has the opening minutes of the pilot.  Gossip Girl had....haha just kidding.  GG is great fun not a great show.

Then there is HBO's suddenly great Game of Thrones.  Which, up until last night, I have been enjoying a lot.  AFTER last night we can call this show transcendent. This show has it all.  Deceit, far away lands and magic, handsome brooding men.  Loads of gratuitous sex with top flight hookers and queens.  Secrets and lies.  A 9 year old who gets shoved out a high window.  I mean, what else could you possibly want??? Mark it down kids, Season 1, Episode 9.  And if you are watching this show and are not yet up to date I have 2 words for you...

SPOILER ALERT.

First you had massive amounts of time dedicated to one of the great tv characters of all time, Tyrion Lannister, aka, the Imp.  We got some seriously juicy back story on him, right before he gets knocked unconscious on his way to do battle.  Good times.

Then we had Khaleesi Daenerys Targaryen's crazy attempt to save Drogo with a magic horse (sorry, you had to be there) - even more fun times.  All this capped off with.....

The terribly surprising and saddening death of Ned Stark-  beheaded while sacrificing his honor (telling the truth about runty little Joffry Baratheon) for the love of his daughter (the vapid and annoying Sansa Stark) all while being observed by his plucky and awesome daughter Arya - which hideously backfires on him, but not before he kneels down to accept his fate making the Boromir "I just got hit with a third arrow and now there's no way I can protect the little ones and make up for trying to take the ring from Frodo" face.  I was so thrown off by this turn of events I literally dropped an F-Bomb on the couch.

Yes, the majority of TV shows are garbage.  Yes, people spend way too much time watching TV.  But that doesn't make all TV bad. 

Just look at Game of Thrones and see.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Childhood's End

"You set sail across the sea
of long past thoughts and memories

childhood's end your fantasies
merge with harsh realities

and then as the sail is hoist
you find your eyes are growing moist

and all the fears never voiced
say you have to make the final choice
"


(D. Gilmour)

APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE FOR THIS EXTENDED RANT.  PLEASE INDULGE ME.  AFTER ALL, THIS WHOLE PROJECT WAS STARTED FOR RANTS LIKE THIS. 

AND BESIDES, IT HAS TO BEAT ME WHINING ABOUT MY PNEUMONIA....

Time on your hands allows for a serious amount of...stuff.  Reading, watching TV, listening to music - lord knows everyone has their preferred method for killing large amounts of time.

The last few weeks, since finals ended and I got sick, have left me with more time than I know what to do with.  I've caught up on TV shows and movies, I've read.  I've actually written emails to a number of people I've lost touch with in the last six months to a year.  These are all good things (assuming you count TV and movies as a "good thing").

But there has also been a lot of time left over for something else. 

Thinking.

Thinking is a funny thing.  It can be very good or very bad.  Positive or negative.  Useful or destructive. 

Thinking also has a flip side - Overthinking.  This phenomenon occurs when you spend so much time thinking about an issue - you turn it over in your head over and over - until eventually it becomes a WORRY.  My mind is especially vulnerable to the Curse of the Overthink.

I was thinking about this because my next birthday will be the BIG TWO-ONE.  You know, legal drinking age and all that.  The last vestiges of being a child will be over. 

Which begs the question (or at least begged the question for me).  When does someone stop being a child and become an adult?  Is it 18?  21?  Legal definitions aside, what is the real time for the transition?

The truth is, there is no one size fits all answer.  My older sister is still a child.  The fact that she has a child is beyond me - shit, she can barely get through her day without calling my mother 17 times for advice. 

But we have all seen or heard stories about young kids who, due to circumstances, were forced to make very adult-like decisions or grow up fast.  Would anyone argue that the televised interviews done by Tamar Fogel after the murder of her family in Israel weren't extremely adult in nature? 

Why do I care?  Because I overthink.  Am I an adult?  I like to think of myself as adult.  If so, when did I become an adult?  Was it the first time I realized that I am on my own?  That, for whatever reasons, I couldn't rely on my family to help me?  Was it the first time I used drugs?  Or drank?  Or gave myself away?  Did these actions make me an "adult"?  Or did they simply make me a bigger child?

But the truth is, it was not these actions which made me an adult.  Nor was it the realization that I had no one to rely on but myself.  Rather it was my reaction to these things.  

I could still be doing all "the bad things" I did for most of my life.  There is a fine line between salvation and damnation.  But once you make the realization (alone or with help), you have two choices:  You can blame the world for your troubles and sink deeper.  Or you can take responsibility for your actions and rise up.

Isn't that really what being an adult means?  Taking responsibility? For no longer relying on everyone else to do everything for you.  To clean up your messes? 

I chose to stop.  I stopped taking drugs.  I stopped giving myself away (well, at least to people I didn't really know or who didn't really care about me).  I made a decision to try and rise above it.  And really, all you can do is try.  Sometimes you succeed.  Other times you fail. 

I spent a long time these past few weeks looking back at my childhood.  It truly was a horrific mess.  You know you are messed up when someone else asks you "have you ever done X?" (which is a pretty wild thing to have done by social standards, lets say) and you say, "well I've been TOLD I've done X but I don't remember actually doing it" - which I add to my claim to fame. 

Am I embarrassed by my past?  I guess a little, but not nearly as much as others are of me.  Am I proud of it?  No.  But I'm extremely proud of what I am becoming  - especially in relation to what I could have been.  As little as four years ago I was a complete waste of existence - barely floating through school, drinking and smoking shit, all the while treating my body like it was a best-seller at the public library. 

I eventually got to be such a potential embarrassment for my family that my parents basically told me to fix myself or get out.  Believe me, I could have said goodbye to them forever without ever looking back.  I could have had guys lining up to provide me with basic shelter necessities (ie a roof, some food, alcohol and dope) in exchange for fixing their basic necessities.  But instead I looked at myself - maybe for the first time.  And while maybe I didn't admit it then, I realized was in trouble.  And I needed to grow up.

So I made perhaps my first adult decision - I decided I needed help. 

And my road to adulthood began.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Roller Coaster Baby

Life certainly has a sense of humor.

Twisted as it may be.

So I just got home from the hospital.  Free at last.  Free at last.  Thank the good lord I'm free at last (that's a paraphrase, btw)!

My lung infection, aka that tricky ol' pneumonia, begat secondary issues including, but not limited to, dehydration, weight loss and continuous low grade fever (like doctors have nothing better to worry about).  Most of these things would have been fine..... if I was a 26 year old male who weighs 240 lbs.  But I had (oh past tense!) a starting weight of approximately 110 pounds that plummeted (not my word) to....well let's just leave it at a lot less than 110 pounds.

Did I mention the constant coughing?

So after my first day shavuous collapse (well come on, it WAS really hot wasn't it???  I'm sure a few of you probably passed out too) I was rushed to the hospital where I was admitted for the plethora of reasons found above.  Not to mention the coughing.

Being in the hospital really filled me with raw emotion.  Most of it negative.  I was really upset when they told me I had to stay.  I begged the doctor to let me go.  I probably would have thrown a fit but I simply didn't have the strength. In retrospect, my begging was probably half hearted at best.  Thusrday I was really depressed.  I hate the feeling of lack of control.  And I felt that I had absolutely NO control over my life.  I was weak, sick (did I mention the cough?) and I had IV drips for hydration and weight gain.  IV drips?  Really?  I cried pretty much all day out of frustration.  My poor father, stuck with me in the hospital after being up all night Tuesday night and then coming with me to the hospital Wednesday - he looked pretty strung out.  And besides, it's not like the 2 of us have 24 hours worth of stuff to talk about. 

Flash forward to Friday.  Doc told my dad Thursday night I have to stay a few days.  Stay a few days?  Here?  In the hospital?  Another round of begging.  Another loss for Cymbaline.  Dad went home after the holiday with my list of things I was going to need to survive my SHORT stay.  My older brother (thank god for him not having a job) brought my things Friday morning.  He stayed a while and we joked about the negative odds of my mother making a visit to see me.  Then he left.

Still depressed out of my mind, I called Tova.  Lord knows if anyone knows how to survice stays in the hospital, it's her.  She listened to me whine, complain and woe is me, told me to get over myself, suck it up, and be happy that my stay was of the very temporary nature.

By Friday afternoon 2 things were abundantly clear - I was rehydrated and the doctors weren't letting me out. They spoke to my dad and explained that since the pneumonia was still pretty strong, it paid to keep me over.  Having become quite a stoic, i took the news well holding off on dropping any "eff bombs" until after everyone left the room.  I told my father in no uncertain terms that he was NOT to stay with me all Shabbos, that I would be totally fine, and he reluctantly left me.

Long story short, Saturday and Sunday were boring ass to hell days, BUT the meds started working, I started eating solids (long live shitty hospital food!!) and god help me I actually felt better. 

And now I'm home.  I'm still weak and coughing, but I'm home.  I ate tuna and tomato on whole wheat toast.  My spirits are higher than they have been since the day I finished school (oh and I got all my grades back - I kicked ASS, even in the writing class where i handed in that crap story).

And I realized a few things - of course.  Life's lesson's and all.  One - I CAN survive without email and the internet  - my genius brother brought my phone, 3/4 dead, and no charger.  I found out it's actually not so bad to get yourself unpluged every so often.

I also learned that you need to keep things in perspective.  Thanks Tova (though I KNOW you are holding to your word and not reading this!!) for making me remember that a few days in the hospital beats the shit out of a few months there.

Also, a word about my hospital roomate.  Her name was Jessica.  Jessica was probably around my age.  I am not really sure what was wrong with her.  We never spoke once the whole time i was there.  In fact, she barely spoke at all.  I think  she was recovering from self inflicted wounds she got while trying to kill herself, but I'm not 100% sure.  What I do know is that she was visited more by shrinks than regular doctors.  So thank you Jessica for more help with that whole keeping things in perspective thing.

So there you have it.  The update you have been waiting for (or not).  The other thing - I solidified my plans for the road trip in august.  It's a go.  Details to follow.

One sad note - today would have been the day I started my internship.  I was really looking forward to it.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Kill. Me. Now.

So I'm in the hospital. 

It seems I passed out yesterday.  And they rushed me to the ER.  Where I was admitted for dehydration and disturbing weight loss.  Attached to pneumonia.  Which i still have.

Despite my kicking and screaming, they are keeping me here for a few days.  i have all kindsa great tubes in me. 

Fun times.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Update 2

Had to bite the bullet and call my summer intern boss to tell him there was no way I'm starting June 15.  Not only that, sir, I cannot even begin to fathom when I will be well enough to start.

Boss was very gracious and told me not to worry, to focus on getting better and that the job will be there whenever I'm ready for it.

It's nice to know that you can "make it" to important positions in this world - positions which require you to make hard decisions and in fact o be a hard-ass - and yet still maintain your level of goodness, of humanity.  I have met a number of successful people, women and men, who still remain good people despite the hardness of their jobs and the weight they carry at work.  It's nice to know that's possible.

In the meantime, just pulling myself out of bed has become the hardness of MY job.  Apologies to all my G-chat friends - I don't have the energy these days for it.  It's nothing personal and I'm not ignoring you.  I just can't.        Hopefully my 2 line emails suffice :)

So my end of the summer road trip is a go.  We are going "North".  Why?  Because we are gonna meet up with some friends from Toronto, so we decided for fairness sake, we can meet somewhere in the middle.  This road trip is starting to get one of those "special trips you never forget type of feels". I will explain why some other time, but suffice it to say a guy I really like is very seriously contemplating coming with a few of his friends.

In the meantime - how about those suggestions for places to go North of New York and South of Toronto.....COME ON PEOPLE!!!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Update

Dear _________ [Fill in your name]:

Been a while, I know.  And it's going to be a while longer, i'm afraid.  I'm just not feeling well.  I keep thinking it's just another day, another 2 days, and I'll start upswinging.  And then 2 days pass and I still feel the same.  It's to the point where even Mother seems worried.  I am going to give it a little more time and then.....well I'm not exactly sure what happens then.

I have had a few posts slip in and then slip out of my mind.  It's not that I've nothing to say.  Just haven't had the energy to write anything.  i can't really concentrate on anything because of the coughing and the shaking from the chills.

Today was the Salute to Israel Parade.  Contrary to semi-popular belief, i identify VERY strongly with the state of Israel.  i have been a few times and I love it.  It is a place of natural, stirring beauty and obviously a place with strong connections for the Jewish people.  i heard this year's turnout was weak.  Which surprises me in light of the Obama admin's strong anti-Israel bias.  Hey if CONGRESS can strongly support Israel, why can't the Jews of the tri-state area?

Whatever, i dont have the energy to get that mad about it anyway.

Hope everything's good with you,

C.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Random Thoughts of a Sick-Addled Mind

 - I slept 14 straight hours yesterday afternoon through last night.  Haven't done that since my first trip to Israel - was so jet-lagged on the way home that I slept 14 hours a night for three straight nights.  This time it's lil' bit more worrysome.  The truth is that if my doc suggests a stay at the hospital, I might take him up on it.

 - Thank you random cable movies, books and Game of Thrones for helping me pass some very long days. 

 - NO thank you to my brother who made me sit through a reality show called River Monsters, in which a British guy with an awesome accent tries to catch really big fish.  Um, no thank you?

 - Thank you to Lil Sis and her mom who came by for a surprise visit on Memorial Day!!  Totally lifted my spirits.  (And even though she's gonna blush, let's all give Lil' Sis a big round of applause for really working her ass off in school this semester and, hopefully, kicking ass on her tests. - And Kudos of course to her awesome English  tutor - yours truly!!  GO SIS)

 - Thanks to everyone's great ideas about how to avoid nausea and to eat more.  I decided to go with a more tried and true method - I'm going to bath in gasoline and then light myself on fire.  At least it will take my mind off the food.

 - Boo to Blogger Spellcheck - which doesn't work half the time.  What's UP with that?  And please note THAT'S why there will be spelling errors in this post.

 - Thanks to Tova for tantalizing me and lifting my spirits with the promise of a 2-girl road trip at the end of August!! (Assuming I'm still alive in August and/or weigh more that 65 pounds).  Please send me your awesome suggestions for a 2-girl road trip.  Please note that if it involves (i) sleeping under the stars without a skylight being involved, (ii) catching my own meals, (iii) cold weather clothes during the day, (iv) a drive of more than, say, 500 miles, or (v) creepy towns where single women often disappear - then i'm NOT interested.  Extra bonus if you direct us to a place with cute, eligible guys (who do not make women disappear).

 - Thanks to you, dear readers, for caring. Although I do not know any of you, I do so appreciate knowing that you all seem to care about my well-being.  Fear not, I am quite sure I have at least a 75% chance of recovering.  :)   In that event, I can once again start writing about all the OTHER aspects of my crazy life.

 - For all of those who are wondering.  I am avoiding dealing with the David Issue like the Bubonic Plague.  Why, you ask?  Simple.  First off, I do NOT have the emotional strength to deal with it right now.  And the truth is, the longer I avoid the issue, the longer he and I speak.  even if it's about nonsense and stupidity.  Is that terrible?  Yes.  Do I care?  No.

 - I received my first inhaler this week - it helps with the wheezing and stuff the cough has developed.  I feel bad for you asthmatics, I had no idea how AWFUL that stuff tastes.


 - I am running out of random thoughts.  Which is funny.  My brain is so random.