Saturday, April 9, 2011

Your Possible Pasts

"they flutter behind you your possible pasts
some bright eyed and crazy some frightened and lost

a warning to anyone still in command
of their possible future to take care

by the cold and religious we were taken in hand
shown how to feel good and told to feel bad

tongue tied and terrified we learned how to pray
now our feelings run deep and cold as the clay

and strung out behind us the banners and flagsof our possible pasts lie in tatters and rags"

(R. Waters) 

The weekend that was:

I had my interview with Blankety-Blank from Company X Friday.  It couldn't have gone any better than it did.  We spent about an hour together.  He talked to me about the law, about real estate - about what I could learn over the summer if I took an internship with him.  He smiled and shook my hand when it was over and told me that we would be seeing each other again.  :)

I left feeling like a million bucks.  Or two million due to inflation.

On my high, I called The Guy I'm Seeing and turned him into the Guy I WAS Seeing.  I told him it wasn't going to work out.  Honestly, he didn't sound all that disappointed. Perfect.  The two-sided, no pain breakup is a beautiful thing.  (Incidentally, this also explains, by the way, why I'm home on a Saturday night updating my blog.)

I caught my dad right as he was leaving for shul Friday night.  I hugged him and told him thank you.  He smiled.  He told me I deserved it.

The next 24 hours were intense. Sitting at Shabbos meals - going through the motions. Washing for bread, listening to my siblings tell over a d'var torah staring dutifully at my bentcher while spacing.  Like I said, their house, their rules.  It's all meaningless to me but I participate like all my siblings.

I woke up late Saturday morning.  After lunch I put on a sweatshirt and sat in the backyard.  I looked at the blue sky, the budding flowers and the greening trees.

And I thought.  I thought about David (oh ye astute readers who realized right away who I was talking about - kudos to you all) and I thought about my place in the world.  I thought about living in a world and believing in nothing versus finding something to believe in.  I thought about my feelings towards god - and WHY I so strongly feel the way I do. Am I just reacting to my upbringing?  Did I turn away from god because no one could answer my questions?  Because I simply don't fit in orthodox Judaism's box?  Because I hate my mother?

Before I knew it, It was almost four hours later and I was freezing and miserable and confused.  I went inside and played cards with my younger siblings till Sun down.

And here I am - sitting in my room at 10:45 on a Saturday night.  I can't call David until I work it all out in my head.  I can't focus on my schoolwork because my teeny tiny brain is too confused to focus.  I don't know WHAT to do. 

I know my life will always lack something if I don't believe.  I know that it can have purpose, but it will be forever without ultimate satisfaction if I cannot find my anchor.

And this scares the living shit out of me.

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