Friday, April 15, 2011

Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Desert

So I've been avoiding David like the plague - feigning sickness, schoolwork, even death.  Anything to avoid having to talk to him.  I feel like he'd be able to see through me like i was made of glass.  Or like I was wearing an "I love you" sign on my forehead.

So imagine my surprise when he tells me we need to speak.  "Do we?" I ask, cautiously optimistic.  We do. 

Te following, although in quotes, has been liberally changed.  Mostly because I obviously don't remember exactly what was said but also because I'm a bitter jealous person.

"You know Monster McBitch right?"  he asks.

"Um, yes."  I already do NOT like where this is going.

Little background.  Monster McBitch is one of the perky type girls who has been out with every single Jewish guy in the entire United States of America, as well as Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands.  She spends 2 months with a guy and moves on.  Shes like a Jewish version of Sandra Bullock only MORE annoying (if that's even possible).  Obviously I slightly changed her name to protect her ID. 

"She wants to go out with me."  Now I REALLY don't like where this is going.  Monster is totally wrong for David.  He doesn't even like perky people.  Besides, how can she be right for him if I am???  Clearly I am going to have to put the kibbosh on this.

Oh and by the way, if there was a way to mentally Tazer a person, David would be lying on the floor of his apartment, whimpering in the after-effects of 20,000 volts of Cymbalinetricity.

"Why would you even want to go out with her?  She's perky.  You don't even LIKE perky people." 

"True.  But she's nice, sweet. I'm not really seeing anyone anyway.  And besides, she's cute." 

"So is Medusa till she takes the hat off."

"What did you say?"


"Anyway," he says to me, "what do you think?  You know me so well.  You think it's a good idea?"

So he's opened a door and I see the two roads laid out before me.  On the left, I am telling him all the reasons why Monster is terrible for him, why shes really a single Jewish male maneater.  Her last name is McBitch for chrissakes!!!  On the right, I take the plunge, bite the bullet, let it ride on black, etc etc etc (insert your own cliche here) and tell him that he shouldn't go out with her, because she should go out with me.  Because I'm the one who really wants to be with him, and not just for two months so I can get a few good meals out of it like Monster and her already too ample bosoms.

Except I can't really bring myself to do either.  The left road would make me a vindictive bitch and the right one requires a greater strength than I currently possess.  I care too much for him to make things bad for him and I'm too damn weak to chance losing him. 

So I will stay Swiss - neutral - vanilla.  I tell him I need to think about it.  I'll call him back tomorrow.  Which I won't.  Because of school, or sickness, or death.  Instead I am going to stay in my pajamas and sulk all day.

And think evil thoughts about a certain perky little monster.


  1. But think about it: what's worse - taking the plunge and very likely winning or staying silent and likely losing him if not to this Monster then to some other girl? You don't know what's going to happen if you do tell him, it's true, but you do know what's going to happen sooner or later if you don't! And it's in your interest to say something as soon as possible!

  2. Have you thought about this; Clean up the post. what I mean by that is give yourself and this girl a different pen name. You may also want to change a drop in the beginning, and the copy it into an email. Email him, and say you were thinking over what you spoke about yesterday, and werent really sure what to say. As of late, you started committing your thoughts and feelings to writing,(you can say they are published on a site) and so you sat don and wrote. You feel a bit uncomfortable to tell this to him in person, so you thought you would pass on what you wrote to him

  3. You're right, it is a perfect opening. "No, I don't think it is a good idea for you to go out with her. And, actually, I think you should go out with me." Maybe, even, he is in part asking you because he is wondering whether you might say something like that.

    But it is extremely scary! You are right that it is a risk. You aren't weak for being worried about it not turning out well. After all, even if he is receptive and you two do date, you are still risking your friendship if things end badly down the road.

    If you take the risk and end up losing the friendship, you'll regret having risked the friendship. But if you never take the risk, you might regret never having taken the risk.

    Now, if he is your good friend, if he is everything you've described, he should be able to handle your telling him you think he should be dating you, even if he isn't receptive to the idea. And if you do date, again given everything you've described about how well you two communicate and generally get along, there's a very good chance that it could work out well. So maybe there is less of a risk than you think.

    It's good that it occurred to you to tell him you'd think about it!

    You wouldn't think she is right for him even if you didn't have feelings for him, right? So there isn't an issue with telling him you don't think it is a good idea for him to go out with her. He is asking your advice, after all, and if your honest objective opinion is no, then be a good friend and tell him that. "No, I don't think it is a good idea for you to go out with her."

    Then, if you've weighed the risks, if you've weighed the chances of positive outcomes working out, if you've weighed which possible negative outcome you more want to avoid, and you've decided it makes sense logically and emotionally, then be brave and have faith and take a deep breath and, as a separate idea, tell him. "And, actually, I think you should go out with me."

    Good luck! Hope you get to go into Pesach in a very happy mood whatever you choose to do!