Monday, April 4, 2011

The Crying Song

"We cry and cry
We cry and cry

Sadness passes in a while"
(R. Waters)

I am broken.  I am a shell.

I am suffering from such profound, soul wrenching sadness that I cannot breath.

All I can do is cry.

I have been crying since I woke up this morning at 4:00.  Sobbing some of it - whimpering alot more.

I am lost.  I know from where I came.  I know where I am.  But I have no idea where I'm going.  I am on a dark road with no lamps to light the way.

And I'm scared.  I'm terrified.  I'm like a six year old girl afraid alone in a lightless room and terrified of the dark.

I want a man who loves me.  Iwant to raise children.  But how can I when I am so adrift?  I have no...place in this world.

How can I raise children in a godless world?  How can I tell them the creator built the world and left?  How can I be a good mother when I'm empty inside?

I am alone.  I am apart from the ones I should love the most - my family.  My friends cannot begin to fathom my pain - they are, after all, my friends for that reason.  They don't believe in anything apart from their self-interest and good times.  My therapist is limited.  He can offer me advice and an ear but he isn't a soothing voice in the storm tossed waters of my mind.  The guy I'm seeing is nothing more than a nice distraction.  My best friend is dying in a hospital room and though she insists we talk about my problems, if she thinks i'm going to burden her with my issues she's even more delusional than I thought.

I am alone.  I am suffering. 

90% of the time I am good.  Better than good.  I am confident that i will figure this all out.  9% of the time I'm OK.  I'm pretty sure i will figure it out.

Then there are times like these.  I am wallowing in a despair so deep all I can see is emptiness.  All I can do is cry.  Occasionally I also throw up. 

These are the times I wake up when morning has been born but not yet the sun.  When I am so alone I feel as though if I close my eyes my existence will simply end.

Where am I going?  I can't see anyhting.  I cannot see a life for myself.  Only solitude.  I cannot see a family that i can love.  I do not see friends who believe in things.  I do not see...NORMALCY - only calamity.

I'm so lost and hurting I want to just make it all stop.

All that is keeping me this morning is this primal scream to the vast Internet.

 And the knowledge that, though I cry - even THIS sadness passes in a while.

6 comments:

  1. Infinity&BeyondApril 4, 2011 at 12:56 PM

    Cymbaline,

    First, thank you for sharing your honest assessment of yourself. It's an extremely brave and healing thing to do - even anonymously.

    One thing I don't understand about this post and your "what I believe" post the other day is why you believe in a creator who "build the world and left" in your words, or basically, a God who doesn't care about you or anyone else.

    Any adult conception of God (totally different from the "man in the clouds with a long white beard" conception that most kids pick up in cheder and don't really let go of) is that God is an unknowable infinity.

    Infinity means, among other things, and infinite amount of attention. God is conscious of the atoms on the tip of a gnat's wings - and he's paying total attention to you and what your going through.

    Saying God isn't is saying that he's finite, which pretty much boils down to believing that a man with a long beard is sitting up there in the sky. :)

    I'm constantly amazed by the juvenile level of hashkafic understanding a lot of the frum world is satisfied with (and apparently expected you to be satisfied with). Most of them aren't capable of answering your questions because they don't bother to think about them themselves.

    There are people out there who know this stuff though, you just have to look really hard to find them.

    For example, you could say to my argument above "sure, God is conscious of everything about me, but that doesn't mean he cares."

    Ok, fine. But you should be going even further. How can anyone even ascribe the word "care" to God? It's ridiculous - that's a human emotion. God doesn't have human emotions. The Rambam would whack you upside the head for thinking Hashem actually has an "emotion."

    Our emotions are analogies that help us understand larger concepts. Our job is to bring the infinite down into the finite and actively participate in bringing unity to everything (that's what is means when we say God's name "WILL be one").

    God actively wills that we unify with him and bring about that unification. Which in our puny finite humanness we have a hard time computing as anything more sophisticated than God caring about us. It's just that the understanding we have of "caring" is so grossly inadequate and we have to be aware that it doesn't fully apply.

    Anyway, the point is Hashem really does "care" about you and is conscious of what you're going through. It's not silly to think that. It's a lot more silly to thing that there's something out there that DOESN'T care. :)

    This is just my level of understanding as it is right now by the way, you should probably go ask someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

    May you succeed in finding your way and place in the world and in building a family who loves you.

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  2. Infin & Beyond - thanks for taking time to respond in a thoughtful way. I've obviously spent a lot of time thinking about how I feel. The truth is - you are right about one thing - NO ONE can truly understand what the creator does or doesnt do. Clearly i dont think that he has "no time" for us - more like - his work is now done - hes moved on. I don't discount I could be wrong. I don't discount that my views are more reactionary to my upbringing than anyhting else.

    Sometimes I feel I don't know anything anymore.

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  3. i really don't think you need to be talking god right now...
    the primal scream is a good start. are you already feeling a bit better now that it's out? and just so you know, i heard you, loud and clear...

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  4. I guess that was just my weird, overly intellectual way of saying that it's not stupid to think Hashem really is looking out for you and that everything you've gone through in your life isn't meaningless. :)

    Frum Jews can be pretty good at turning people off to God, but there really isn't anything else out there. I've looked for it in cavod (of the "saving the world" flavor) and sex and neither one really fills that void. I have met some really holy people in my time though and it really feels me with hope whenever I think about it.

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  5. Colloq - I feel better - not from the scream - just because I always do a few hours later. I get sad and then I'm less so. though it never completely goes away.

    Infin - I tend tio agree with you that Conservative/Reform judaism is not exactly the real thing. And other religions seem very far off the mark. I just dont know how I feel about religion in general.

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  6. My, you've come a long way...

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