Friday, April 1, 2011

Comfortably Numb

I took my first drink of alcohol when I was 12.  It was some cheapo bourbon - maybe Jack Daniels or something equally hideous.  It totally made me want to hurl - but I controlled myself lest anyone think I was a wuss.

And like all great drunkards, I built up an immunity to it.  And I drank quite a bit over the next few years.  To this day I'm 110 lbs soaking wet and I can hold my Vodka just fine, thank you very much.

By the time I was in high school, and in full tilt rebellion mode, I had moved on to drugs.  Weed was the obvious start - weed made me feel mellow.  But I snuck shit out of my mothers medicine cabinet - the woman is a walking pharmacy - after all it's hard to work out all the time and not eat unless you have meds to keep you going.

I smoked heroin once (yes, you CAN indeed smoke heroin - significantly less powerful than snorting it or injecting it).  I snorted coke a few times. And I drank.  A lot.  I was sneaking out of my house on Friday nights and partying with friends pretty much every week.  I was ditching school and raiding friends parents' liquor cabinets. 

You might ask why?  Why did you drink?  Why drugs?  What's the purpose? 

Well that, dear reader, is a multi-layered, difficult question to answer isn't it.  I started to fit in with the kids I was hanging out with.  I expanded because I was rebelling against the system I hated so much.  Classic reasons both.

 Hey, I never claimed to be original and I am a self-admitted cliche.

But it also made me numb.  It made me forget.  It made me not worry.  I worried alot. I hated, I was full of anger.  And sadness.  And hurt.  Alcohol or drugs - they made that hurt go away - at least for short periods of time. 

In the end you wake up and realize that the drugs and drinking are not a miracle cure to your issues - they in fact exacerbate them.  Or they leave you so vulnerable to outsiders who would take advantage of you in your high state.  God knows what I've done when I've been too high to control myself and too far gone to remember.  I guess Im lucky I never got a communicable disease (no I never used a needle to take drugs - I meant the OTHER way you get them).

Or you don't realize what they are doing to you.  And eventually you lose.  Or you die.

Luckily I did.  I was killing myself slowly.  I was in a haze - becoming dependant on the escape of pills and drink.

So I stopped.  Cold turkey. No more drugs.  No more drinking.  Ok, well that's not 100% true.  I still drink occassionally.  I may be 110 lbs soaking wet - but damn son, I can hold my vodka and cranberry juice with a 300 pounder.

Now I find escape other ways - novels and tv shows.   And Pink Floyd of course.  Nothing beats a 20 minute Pink Floyd song. 

And I spend my time thinking - not floating in an alcohol soft haze. 

So take it from someone who knows.  Don't drink.  Don't smoke.  Don't do drugs.  Live a clean lifesryle.  All that shit doesn't help you.  It's all fake.  You can never outrun your problems - those fuckers need be solved or they will chase you forever and ever amen.

Amen.

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