Thursday, March 31, 2011

Wots..Uh The Deal

"heaven sent the promised land
looks alright from where I stand
'cause I'm the man
on the outside looking in
waiting on the first step
show where the key is kept
point me down the right line
because it's time

to let me in from the cold
turn my lead into gold
'cause there's chill wind
blowing in my soul
and I think I'm growing old
"

(R. Waters D. Gilmour)
A few readers have asked me "where I am holding" in life, regarding religion etc.  Below is an attempt to explain:

Ani Ma'amin.

I believe. 

Let's start out with that premise.  I believe.  I believe the world was created by a creator - a God. My own introspection and thought process has led me to believe that this was probably the Jewish god.  Most other religions are too far fetched to be the truth that I believe.

I also believe the creator is a busy guy.  Much too busy to be spending his/her time on the day to day machinations of the ants he created. 

Ani Ma'amin.  I believe.  I believe that the true religion, whether it be Judaism or otherwise, has been watered down by man.  Even the most brilliant of men is still a man.  Not a god nor god's son  - rather, they are god's creations.  Creations that are imperfect.  That have emotion - anger, jealousy to name two.  And their learnings - which often become part of the package of religion (you might know the term Da'as Torah) are therefore subject to their imperfections.  And, much like a game of telephone, these teachings and laws become more disjointed over time.  And, like clay, they get molded to fit what it wanted of them.  And then they are fed through the cookie-cutter so everyone can be the same.

Ani Ma'amin.  I believe.  I believe that wearing a skirt doesn't make you a better person.  Especially if that skirt is so tight your ass is visible to the world.  I believe a child should be talked to, not talked at.  I believe that not only  shouldn't we throw the non-cookie cutter models out -  we should in fact CELEBRATE them. 

Ani Ma'amin.  I believe.  I believe that I am on my own. I have parents who love me but cannot accept me for being different.  I have siblings who long to accept me for whoIi am but are too terrified of the repercussions.  I have peers who will not talk to me for fear of being contaminated by my "apikorsus".  I have non-religious/Jewish friends who cannot understand why I give a shit.

I believe that outwardly I am two different people.  When I am home I wear skirts even if they are shorter than Mommy wants or if I don't cover my elbows.  I eat Kosher when I am among people who know my family. I follow Shabbos when I'm home.  When I am not home - I do non of these things (except I still don't cover the elbows).

But it's important to know (though I'm not sure WHY) that I eat treif not as an act of rebellion -  or not follow the shabbos to show people I can - but rather because Ani Lo Ma'amin - I simply do not believe these acts are wrong for me.  "I'm the man on the outside looking in".  That's a quote - I'm not a man.  I have low regard from frum women who refuse to wear skirts because it's a statement for them.  I don't do these things to make statements - Lord knows I used to - I do it because I see nothing wrong with the way I live my life now.

But what am I?  I have been trying to figure that out for two years.  Ever since my heart was broken in two and my self esteem destroyed by a guy who said I wasn't good enough for anything other than a good fuck and some intellectual conversation (see previous post) and I suffered a complete breakdown of my existence.

A good therapist and a lot of thinking later - Ani Ma'amin - I believe.  I believe I am a quality perosn with alot to offer this world.  I don't know EXACTLY who I am yet, or what I have to offer  - but I know what I am not - a worthless person.  I feel good about myself.

And Ani ma'amin that it will get better.

4 comments:

  1. agreed. you are a quality person...and it helps that you have good taste in music:)

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  2. So you're basically saying you're a mumar l'tayavon and not l'hachis?

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  3. I'm not even sure what that means. so no comment :)

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  4. I have been slowly making my way through your blog and find this post to be so well written and thought out.

    I really connect with your writing and appreciate how honest and blunt you are.

    ReplyDelete